KIJE!
A MUSICAL FAIRY TALE
by
Scott L. McGregor
Lyrics by
Arthur Benjamin
Music by
Arthur Darrell Turner
© Copyright
1980, 1986, 1990, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2005 by Scott L. McGregor
All rights
reserved. No portion of this book may be
reproduced in any form without the express permission of the publisher. All characters are fictional. Any resemblance to living persons past or
present is purely coincidental.
Printed
Kije! Company
Act
I: Wednesday in Wuz: Birth of Kije
Scene i: Afternoon: The
Wizard's Laboratory
Scene ii: Afternoon: The
Great Hall
Scene iii: Evening: The
Princess' Chamber
Scene iv: Night: The Great
Hall
Song:
The Grand and Glorious Kije
Act
II: Thursday in Wuz: The Story of Kije.
Scene i: Dawn: The
Wizard's Laboratory
Song:
A Simple Story (reprise)
Scene ii: Morning: The
Dungeon
Scene iii: Noon: The Great
Hall
Scene iv: Afternoon: The
Great Hall
Scene v: Evening: The
Great Hall
Scene vi: Night: Larsen's
Room
Scene vii: Midnight: The
Princess' Balcony
Song:
A Vision, a Heart and a Feeling
Act
III: Friday in Wuz: The Death of Kije.
Scene i: Dawn: The
Wizard's Laboratory
Song:
A Simple Story (reprise)
Scene ii: Morning: The
Great Hall
Scene iii: Noon: The
King's Balcony
Scene iv: Afternoon:
Various Rooms of the Castle
Song:
Punch's Dream (reprise of Love at Last)
Scene v: Various Rooms of
the castle
Scene vi: Evening: A Room
in the Castle
Scene vii: Night: the
Wizard's Laboratory
Song:
A Little Bit of Magic (Reprise)
Scene vii: Midnight: The
Great Hall
(In Order of
Appearance)
Murphy, the Wizard
Ms. Wiz, the Wizard's wife
Punch, the Jester
Dom, the King
Robin, the Minstrel
Charity Less, a lady-in-waiting
Merrilee Ouigaux-Alon, a lady-in-waiting
Faith Holsom, a lady-in-waiting
Hope, the Princess
Sonny Dey, a courtier
Larsen E.
Quivocator, a villainous courtier
The Count Ur-Monet, a courtier
Sir Render, a courtier
Guards, Messengers, Peasants, Servants, Soldiers &
Townspeople
Characterizations
WUZ, the land
WUZ is a
kingdom under a curse. Things in the
kingdom are pretty confused. One of the
effects is that most everyone in the kingdom feels lost and without a sense of
direction. They think that they want
something but they already have it and don't realize it.
Murphy, the Wizard
An
absent-minded but somewhat clever old man.
Kind and likable. A bit of a wise
acre, with fairly bad jokes. Inside him
there is great magic, but he has yet to find it; instead he blunders about with
poorly executed "tricks". Like
Schmendrick in Peter Beagle's The Last
Unicorn, he wants to find the true magic within himself, but he has
confused magic with prestidigitation. His
true magic is in his psychology, his ability to see into people's characters
and thus predict and manipulate their actions.
Ms. Wiz
A real sexpot.
This woman is a sort of Mae West figure whose mind is always on one thing:
sex. Ironically, she is married to the
cerebral Wizard who encourages her to fulfill her desires through her houseboys
and slaves. She married the wizard out
of an urge for power and domination, but found that his wizardly powers don't
seem to run in that direction.
Frustrated, she seeks to dominate in other ways. The wizard's reason for marrying her: alas,
another case of Murphy's Law, he drank his own love potion.
Punch, the Jester
A fairly
morose character whose grief comes from being a de facto failed comic. Still, a true friend who tries to cheer up
the minstrel when he is glum. Punch
wants to touch people, but he thinks he can't do this because he can't be
heard. In fact, his tragedy touches
everyone deeply. Since he doesn't
realize this, he has turned to drink.
Dom, the King
A tired old
man. His only joy is in his
daughter. Short-tempered, he frequently
wields the power of his office harshly and has intimidated many members of his
court. He wants loyal subjects. He sees everyone as lying to him and is thus
disappointed with them. He doesn't see that it is their fear of disappointing
him and their loyalty to him that makes them try to deceive him, to tell him
what they think he wants to hear, in the first place.
Robin, the Minstrel
A bit of
Quixote, the minstrel is a romantic young man who lives too much in dreams and
is the victim of reality. He is
idealistic and struggles to be good and true and comes off as a bit of a
"goody-good". He is a
Merrilee Ouigaux-Alon
A
simple-minded sort. The dumb-blond-type
who just fawns upon any strong or masculine-type man. She thinks she needs physical strength in her
man, but really needs a spiritual strength and confidence.
Charity Less
A status
climber. She lusts after power and
wealth. She's the type who wants to
marry a doctor and drive a Cadillac. She
thinks that she wants material wealth, but needs spiritual wealth, a friend to
share things with.
Faith Holsom
The sensitive
type. She is the type who always wants
to be mothering someone or something, whether it is a child, a pet, or her
husband. She thinks that she needs
someone she can mother, but she really needs someone who she can work with as a
partner.
Hope, the Princess
A levelheaded
but strong-willed young lady with much of the fire of Kate from The Taming of the Shrew but with much
better manners. She wants love and
affection. She wants to be in love with
someone worthwhile, a real class act, but she limits herself from finding him
by not looking beyond her social class.
Sonny Dey
A sort of a
puppy-dog-type character. A perpetual
boy who never grows up. Perhaps a little
vain about his boyish good looks. A bit
more insecure than the rest. He wants to
grow up and to be loved, but he thinks he must appear to be a lady-killer
(which he is not) instead of just cute and vulnerable (which he is).
Larsen E. Quivocator
Sort of a
Snidely Whiplash character, who does
evil not simply because it benefits him, but because he's in love with the idea
of evil for its own sake. However, he
does not really enjoy real evil as he discovers when he gets his just desserts
in the end.
The Count Ur-Monet
A real
windbag. Loves to talk just to hear
himself speak. Very conceited. Aristocratic and snobby. Sort of a Charles Emerson Winchester-III-type
from M*A*S*H. He has power and money but thinks he has no
friends.
Sir Render
The type who
has a good deal of bravado but in reality is afraid of his own shadow. The cowardly-lion-type from the Wizard of Oz. He thinks himself a coward (as do those
around him) but he is just confused about the difference between being brave
and not being afraid. When he learns
that it is okay to be afraid, he turns out to be brave indeed.
The Soldiers
These guys are
not really cowards, they are tired and lost.
They have been running away from battles for ten years, only to be
gathered together to fight and run away, once again. It's not so much that they
aren't strong, but rather they have no hope of winning. They lack leadership and a reason to fight.
The Guards
Keystone-cops-type
of collection of characters. They are
dedicated but bumbling. Their motto
would probably be "I never get my man".
Townspeople
The Peasants
are revolting! That is, they are stupid
and dirty and all-around ignorant.
Picture the peasants in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
The play
consists of three acts, each of which is a day, beginning with Wednesday
morning and running to Friday night.
In Act I, the
wizard and the rest of the kingdom welcome the princess back to Wuz. She has returned to Wuz to select a suitor
and get married. The king puts the
wizard in charge of the evenings festivities, and the wizard complies with a
little magic which fails badly. When this fails, the wizard introduces the
minstrel who sings a beautiful ballad, during which the minstrel falls
hopelessly in love with the princess.
The princess dances with each of the courtiers but is interested in none
of them. After the dance, the ladies and
Ms. Wiz discuss who they think the princess will marry. She surprises them by telling them that she
is interested in none of the courtiers, but shares with them her idea of a
dream lover. When the king hears that
the princess is not interested in any of the courtiers, he calls the wizard and
asks for advice. The wizard suggests a
competition, and when the king suggests that the most desirable quality is
honesty, the wizard suggests telling a lie and seeing who corrects the king
first. The suggested lie is about an
imaginary hero, Kije. Unfortunately,
none of the courtiers exposes the lie, but rather they all play along inventing
fabulous tales of Kije's exploits. The
princess hears this and falls in love with Kije. She sings of her love of Kije, as the
minstrel sings of his love of the princess.
Larson overhears the princess and concludes that she has fallen in love
with him.
As Act II
begins, Ms. Wiz is pestering her husband for a new slave. We then find the minstrel discussing the
futility of his love for the princess with the jester, Punch. Meanwhile the king is worrying about what to
do about the princess being in love with the imaginary hero. The wizard suggests that they turn on the
heat a little more to see which courtier comes forth first. He suggests that the courtiers be asked to
produce Kije. The courtiers are worried
that the King will want to hear more, so they contract the minstrel to make up
a further story. When the king calls
them all together, the minstrel sings his ballad. Then the princess asks the king to send for
Kije, which he was planning to do. The
courtiers split up to figure out what to do.
Larsen's plan is to disguise himself as Kije and seduce the love struck
princess. As the seduction is being
tried, the minstrel worries about what to do now that he is caught up in the
lie. He concludes that he must announce
that Kije has died. The guards announce
this just as the seduction begins to get serious, and Larsen is exposed. The princess decides to become a nun since
she has lost the only man that she loved.
As Act III
begins, Larsen is in the stocks, and the minstrel is ashamed of his own
involvement. When he finds out how hurt
the princess was, he is becomes bitterly unhappy. The King is also disturbed as he finds out
how the princess is taking it. Hoping
again to expose the lie he asks for more news of Kije, but the minstrel sings
of the hero's fateful demise. The
princess is particularly touched, and suggests that Kije be brought home for a
hero's funeral. This suits the King just
fine, since he is sure that this will finally expose the lie. The courtiers are worried now, since they
must solve this problem without help from Larsen. They go to the ladies and retrieve a wooden
box, some stones to weight it with, and a coat of arms to drape it with to
pretend it is the remains of Kije. When
the Minstrel sees the coffin, he decides that the only suiting punishment for
his own involvement is to be buried alive.
He writes a final letter to the princess purportedly from Kije and
climbs in. As things seem to have
reached their absolute lowest point, the wizard finally discovers the key to
magic that has eluded him. Instead of
searching for magic in his books, he turns to his intuition and just
guesses. Suddenly his magic is
working! Finally it is time for the
funeral. The King insists that the
courtiers open the coffin, but the courtiers protest. Suddenly the soldiers march up. After having lost battle after battle for 10
years, they have suddenly won the war, inspired by the noble exploits of
Kije! The soldiers open the coffin to
give Kije the sword of the commander of the enemy. The courtiers are astonished to see a body! The princess reaches over to pin a medal on
him, and stabs him with the fastener.
The minstrel (transformed by magic into the fancy dress uniform of an
officer) cries out in pain revealing that he is still alive. A celebration ensues until it is discovered
that he is the minstrel, which he readily admits, thus finally ending the lie
of Kije. The princess is hurt until she
finds out that it was the minstrel who wrote the final letter. The king is furious, but is guided by the
wizard into seeing that the contest has finally produced the most noble person
after all. The show ends as the planned
wedding is announced and the wedding and victory are celebrated.
Kije! was orginally conceived in 1978 at
In 1979, the
author, Scott McGregor, prepared a short treatment of the planned work for
submission to the annual Scotch'N'Soda
original musical comedy completion held at
In the years
since 1980, the show has been considerably reworked, featuring many new and
revised lyrics and music, as well as substantial changes to the ordering and
contents of the scenes. Music and lyrics
by others which had been in the original show have been replaced to achieve a
higher level of artistic consistency.
Kije!, in its
new and revised form, was once again ready for production.
Scott McGregor, author of Kije!, received a Bachelor's degree from Haverford College in 1978,
and a Master's degree from Carnegie-Mellon University in 1980. In addition to Kije!, he is the author of
Eggs, and Subplots, which were
produced at Haverford College, Bryn Mawr College and Carnegie-Mellon
University. He is a software
entrepreneur in
Arthur Benjamin, lyricist, received his Bachelor's
degree from
born
lightening calculator presently performing.
He has appeared on national TV, at
Arthur Darrell Turner, composer, received his
Bachelor's degree in composition from
composed the
music for several musicals including a few for which he also wrote the book and
lyrics.
To
who gave me the seeds of Kije!,
to
collaborators Art Benjamin and Darrel Turner,
who helped plant and till them,
to
who brought them into the light,
to John
Ramuta, Dave Wooldridge, Aaron Tanzer, Diane Mercieca and many other friends,
who kept them growing,
to Mary,
who perserved through all of it,
and to my
children, Taylor and James
who keep me believing in fairy tales.
I dedicate the
magic of Kije!
--Scott McGregor
The play
utilizes a single set of the
The play
consists of 3 acts, each act being one day in length, starting with Wednesday
afternoon. The other acts begin with
dawn and end at
Act I: Wednesday in Wuz: Birth of Kije
(Lights come up revealing the WIZARD in his laboratory.)
Welcome my
friends, to the
Let’s see what
kind of entertainment I can conjure up for you? (Wizard begins throwing items
into the cauldron)
Hmmm. Maybe
something simple, perhaps? Nothing
complex, just a simple story; straightforward, like the fairy tales of old. Yes,
that sounds right, just a simple story, with just a hint of excitement or
surprise for spice.... Ah, maybe this one… this looks good: I’ll just throw in a
valiant hero or two and an ignominious villain and his henchmen. (He taste’s the brew). No, no, no. It
needs something sweet as well. What do we have here? How about a fair
princesses in distress, defended by soldiers in great battles? That would do
marvelously. Hmm. … needs more something tart…a fearsome duel, and a poignant
poem. Much better… But still not quite balanced …I’ll just add Love, and war…truth
and deception…comedy and tragedy…ecstasy and despair…dreams and nightmares…music
and dance…and perhaps, if we are very lucky, just maybe a little bit of magic.
(Small puff of smoke from cauldron).
There we go. If you are looking
for something to divert you from your cares,
drink with me; I can assure you
that you've come to the right place.
WIZARD
I'D LIKE TO
TELL YOU ALL A SIMPLE STORY,
AND EVEN
THOUGH MY TALE HAS JUST BEGUN,
I KNOW THAT BY
THE TIME THE STORY'S OVER, (light Punch - frozen)
YOU'LL ALL BE
FILLED WITH FANTASIES AND FUN.
AND I'LL
RELEASE YOU FROM ANXIETY,
AND PRESSURES
OF SOCIETY, (light ladies and courtiers - frozen)
AND WITH LARGE
VARIETY,
I'LL TRY,
TO RID THE
THINGS THAT TROUBLE YOU, (light on Ms Wiz - frozen)
JUST WATCH THE
U, Z, WUZ,
AND BID ALL
YOUR CARES GOOD-BYE.
WIZARD
Let me tell
you, you are in for a royal treat tonight.
Why, I saw the show last night and it was a marvel of joy and
pathos. Yes, I haven't experienced such
a perfect mixture of love and sorrow since the day I drank my own love potion
by mistake!
MS. WIZ
(Facing away from the Wizard.) Oh,
Wizard! Oh, where have you disappeared
to now?
WIZARD
Well, anyway,
as I was saying, there will be singing, and dancing, humor, dreams and maybe
even a little bit of magic! (That's my
favorite part.) Why, I'm working on a
new trick right now. Here, let me show you.
I will now
make these three different size ropes all into the same size! Hocus Pocus!
(...or is it Abracadaba?) (Wand
flashes.) Presto!
(Produces
one long rope instead.)
Hmmm. No doubt about it, I've got to get a new rope. I guess it's like my mother used to say to
me, "Murphy, if anything can go wrong, it will!"
(Enter PUNCH in a drunken stupor.)
PUNCH
(Silently pantomimes and mouths and signs:) This is just
great! How will any of the kingdom's problems be solved when our own wizard
can't even pull off a simple trick like that?
WIZARD
Now folks this
is Punch our dear jester. He used to
assist me. I am afraid he is not a big
magic fan the last ten years. You see,
he once made an uncomplimentary remark while I was performing my magic. So I said, “If you can say anything good then
people won’t listen to you at all”. (Wand flashes again, inadvertently; PUNCH
staggers a bit.) And since then I am
afraid, accidentally, that has been the case.
No one in the kingdom has been able to hear him. It’s been tough on his stand up comedy
career. And I think he is still a bit
peeved at me.
Punch, I'm
very sorry! I think it must be the way I
was holding the wand...Or maybe...?
Anyway the answer must be in this Introductory Magic book
somewhere! What do you think I should do
with it, Punch? (PUNCH gestures
crudely.) WELL!... You are supposed
to be a jester, not a gesturer. You
better run on now, Punch. I promise that
I'll work on your problem later. I have
to prepare for the princess' entertainment right now...
(Sung) WHENEVER THERE'S A HASSLE IN THE CASTLE,
AND EVERYONE IS GLOOMY AND DEPRESSED,
THE KING JUST CALLS UPON HIS SIMPLE SERVANT,
AND HAS ME DO THE THING THAT I DO BEST.
OH YES, I'M BLESSED WITH GREAT ABILITIES
OF ENDING ALL HOSTILITIES
AND IF YOU'RE
OR SAD,
I'LL UTILIZE UTILITIES,
AND FORMULATE FACILITIES,
AND THEN YOU'LL SEE
THAT THINGS WON'T BE
QUITE SO BAD.
Oh! The
princess -- I forgot to tell you. It's
my job to make sure that she marries the worthiest man in the kingdom. A man of vision, heart and feeling. A man with dreams. A man who is courageously honest. I must admit that I've had my eye on someone
for a while, but I'm not sure just yet how to make the match. Anyway, I must prepare things immediately. In fact, I think I hear the king saying...
Scene ii: Afternoon: The Great Hall
(The cast gathers in the center stage area. At right we see
the three COURTIERS: The COUNT, SIR RENDER and SONNY, with their three admiring
LADIES: MERRILEE, FAITH and CHARITY, standing nearby looking on. Center is
LARSEN who is frightening a bunch of peasants and townspeople who are standing
left. Behind him stands MS. WIZ, ordering servants around and ogling young
boys).
(Flourish; Enter KING and PRINCESS.)
KING
This day, my
daughter, Hope, has returned to Wuz to choose the most worthy man in the
kingdom for her husband. And this being
Wednesday, and because I believe in long courtships, she shall have until
Wizard, have you prepared some special entertainment
for our celebration?
WIZARD
Er--
Naturally, I found the worthiest entertainment that I could find.
(Refers to magic book.)
"TURN A SCREW, TURN A PHRASE,
IN ENDLESS PALINDROMES.
CALL SUBWAY SYLPHS AND TURNSTILE TROLLS
AND MIDTOWN METRO-GNOMES!"
(Flash pot in cauldron goes off.) Rats, out of tokens. (MINSTREL
is thrust in center, followed by two GUARDS.)
GUARDS
We found this
man snooping outside! Shall we kill him
now?
KING
Why are you
here?
MINSTREL
I was walking
when two roads diverged in the wood. A
kindly old man said “Go left young man, Go left”. So, although it seemed the less traveled, I
took the leftward track and that has made all the difference.
WIZARD
(Noticing the minstrel is carrying a musical instrument, he
brightens.) Oh, I was wondering where he was! Free him -- this man must be the minstrel I
have summoned up to perform tonight. (Dramatic
magic gesture). You wouldn't believe
the exhausting preparations that I have gone through to bring him here. (Wipes brow).
KING
Very well
then. And now, let us hear from the minstrel who is before us tonight. Minstrel! Play for us!
(The MINSTREL, frightened, goes with the WIZARD's story and
begins singing. The PRINCESS begins to
dance with each of the COURTIERS as the MINSTREL plays. Several times she makes
false steps to dance with the minstrel until she notices he is only a minstrel
and quickly moves to a different courtier to dance with. With each feigned dance the minstrel falls
deeper in love. Each Courtier preens for
the Princess as they dance with her.)
MINSTREL
LET ME WARM YOUR HEARTS WITH SONGS OF VICTORY.
THEY'RE IN MY DREAMS.
LET ME EMPTY THEM WITH TALES OF TRAGEDY.
THEY'RE IN MY DREAMS.
LET ME FILL YOUR THOUGHTS WITH FEATS OF MYSTERY.
THEY'RE IN MY DREAMS.
LISTEN TO MY WORDS OF TWISTED HISTORY.
THEY'RE IN MY DREAMS.
I HAVE DREAMED OF BEAUTY IN THE SKIES ABOVE.
I HAVE DREAMED OF TRUTH. I'VE DREAMED OF LOVE.
AND A THOUSAND OTHER THEMES IN MY DREAMS.
I HAVE DREAMED AND IN MY DREAMS I'VE SEEN THE WORLD
DESTROYED BY MEN.
I HAVE DREAMED AND IN MY DREAMS I'VE SEEN THE WORLD
BROUGHT BACK AGAIN.
THOUGH I'LL NEVER LIVE ALL THAT I PLAN TO SEE,
SOMEDAY I'LL DIE
IN A FANTASY.
AND THAT IS WHY I DREAM.
COME AND SHARE MY DREAM.
KING
Very good,
minstrel, you’ll stay on for the wedding.
Guards! (the guards block the minstrel’s exit) Now the day's entertainment is complete. And
I have a special announcement to make: I would like to reward some dedicated
servants of the kingdom tonight with a special award. (The
COURTIERS preen themselves in expectation, only to be disappointed.) As my daughter has returned and has yet no
servants, Merrilee, Faith and Charity, I now pronounce you
ladies-in-waiting. You may now go to the
Princess' chambers and wait. Daughter,
you may retire to your chambers to consider your decision. (PRINCESS exits.)
MINSTREL
(To PUNCH.)
It's so sad, this lowly minstrel in love with a lovely princess. A sadder tale than any of the ballads of old.
(Exit all.)
Scene iii: Evening: The Princess' Chamber
(Enter LADIES left rear in darkness with dress form, cedar
chest and vanity.)
(Lights shift to the ladies up stage which is set up as the
Princess' dressing room. The room
contains a dress form, a cedar chest, and a vanity table with a mirror frame.
The mirror has been removed so that the audience may see through. The ladies
are laughing.)
CHARITY
How long do
you think it will take for the Princess to make her decision?
MERRILEE
I can't see it
being very hard. Sir Render is the
obvious choice. He's so brave!
CHARITY
Sir
Render! What do you know? She'll pick the Count. He's so wealthy...
MERRILEE
What! The Count Ur-Monet? Ha!
How could anyone choose that old windbag!
FAITH
I think she'll
pick Sonny. He's so cuddly, he reminds
me of a teddy bear.
CHARITY
Sonny! Come on.
How would you care to make a wager on that?
FAITH
Certainly,
I'll wager my antique cedar chest.
CHARITY
Come on, that
worm-eaten old thing! (She kicks it and the end panel comes loose.)
What about you, Merrilee, what do you have to offer?
MERRILEE
I'll bet my
tapestry.
CHARITY
That thing? It
looks more like a coat of arms than a tapestry.
FAITH
The one with
that funny bird on it?
MERRILEE
It's a
phoenix.
CHARITY
Oh, is that
what it is? I thought it was a turkey!
MERRILEE
Well then,
what about you? Are you afraid to wager?
CHARITY
I'll wager my
gem collection.
MERRILEE
Gems! They're hardly better than rocks.
CHARITY
Some people
have no taste!
FAITH
Come on, are
we agreed?
ALL
Okay. Done.
(Enter MS. WIZ.)
MS. WIZ
Have you seen
my husband? He's always
disappearing. I wish he'd get me that
new slave I've wanted. Every woman ought
to have a slave.
FAITH
Ms. Wiz, who
do you think the princess will choose?
MS. WIZ
I don't know
what the princess wants in a man, but listen to the voice of experience,
girls. I know what I want in my man! (Whistles.)
Hey, boys! (Reaches off stage and yanks LARSEN in by
his tie. COURTIERS, MINSTREL and PUNCH follow.)
MS. WIZ
MUST MY MAN HAVE MULTITUDES OF MONEY?
NO. ("Whew!" from COUNT.)
NEED HE BE BOMBASTIC, BOLD, AND BRAVE?
UH-UH. (SIR RENDER mops brow.)
CHARISMATIC, CUTE, AND CUDDILY?
DON'T BE FUNNY--HONEY. (SONNY sighs with relief.)
I WANT A SUPER, SENSUAL, SEXY, SERVING SLAVE.
I WANT A MAN TO MANEUVER,
A MAN WHO IS ABLE
TO CLEAN THE MANURE
FROM OUT OF THE STABLE.
FOR CHRISTMAS JUST ONE TOY COULD BRING ME JOY,
AND THAT'S A BOY I CAN EMPLOY, AND THEN ENJOY.
I WANT A MAN FOR A PILLOW,
A MAN FOR A MATE,
A MAN I CAN MANAGE AND (UH) MANIPULATE.
WORK HIM TO THE BONE, DON'T LET HIM REST ANY,
AND THIS IS WHAT I CALL...MANIFEST DESTINY.
I WALKED FROM
BUT IT SEEMS THAT THERE IS NOBODY
WHO WANTS TO BE A SLAVE ANY MORE.
WIZARD
(Spotlight wizard in Lab.)
THERE'S
NOT MUCH LEFT TO BE DESIRED
WHEN YOUR WAND
IS LIMP AND TIRED (Wand goes limp.)
AND A HUNDRED
AND SIXTY-FOUR.
CHARITY
GENERALLY,
MEN ARE ALL E-
QUAL IN MY EYES.
MERRILEE
I ROMANCE A LOT
OF LANCELOT
AND A LOT OF OTHER GUYS;
FAITH
BUT WHAT I'M AFTER,
I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A
CAVALIER.
MS. WIZ
I ‘LL TAKE A
GRUBBY! CHUBBY! HUBBY, (WIZARD vanishes
as spot goes out.)
IF HE DOESN'T DISAPPEAR.
I WANT A MAN WHO IS HANDY,
(Exit COURTIERS.)
LADIES
A MAN SHE CAN GRATE,
MS. WIZ
A MAN I CAN MANDATORILY MANDATE.
ALL
AND SO EACH DAY, I'LL SAY AND PRAY AGAIN,
I WANT A MAN,
A MANLY MAN.
OH MAN, OH MAN
A MAN.
AMEN.
MS. WIZ
What am I
going to do about that husband of mine?
There are rabbits running loose all over the house! They're jumping out of every hat in
sight. (Enter PRINCESS up left. LADIES help her change into a new gown.)
MERRILEE
Have you
decided who you will marry?
PRINCESS
I don't want to
marry!
CHARITY
What? You don't want to marry? Are you joking? You can have your choice of any man in the
land. There's the Count... Sir Render... Sonny...even Larsen.
PRINCESS
Larsen! Ha!
he's nothing but a two-bit villain.
And the rest, nothing but liars and cheats. No, I don't want any of them. They're all a bunch of yes men. They're all afraid of my father. Every word he says they hang on. They follow his every command like mindless
little puppies. There's nothing he could
say that they wouldn't agree with! Why,
he could tell the most marvelous lie and they'd never contradict him. I just can't marry that kind of man!
FAITH
Then there is
someone. (Music begins.)
PRINCESS
Well yes,
there IS someone. I mean, I'll know him
when we meet...
CHARITY
What makes him
so special?
MERRILEE
Tell us what
he's like.
PRINCESS
GENTLE--THAT'S
HOW I DESCRIBE HIS HEART.
TRULY--THAT'S
HOW HE CARES.
A SOLDIER- ONE
WHO'D SURRENDER HIS LIFE FOR ME.
AND
FAITHFUL--THAT I WILL KNOW FROM THE START.
FREELY--THAT'S
HOW HE SHARES.
AND
WEALTHY--WILLING TO SPEND ALL HIS TIME WITH ME.
WHEN HE
ARRIVES--
HE'LL TAKE ME
TO HIS HEART
AND HOLD ME
AND LOVE ME AS A MAN SHOULD LOVE HIS WIFE.
HE'LL FILL MY
SOUL WITH THRILLS OF LOVE UNIMAGINED.
IF HE'D ONLY
HURRY TO
FOR HIM WHO
DESERVES MY HAND
HE MUST BE
ALL
WORTHY,
GRACIOUS,
SOMETIMES BOLD,
YET SMART, SO
REFINED
WITH NO LOFTY
AIRS.
AND INWARD,
SHARING HIS
SECRETS
WITH THE ONE
HE LOVES
AND I'M THE
ONE HE LOVES.
LORD WHEN HE
ARRIVES,
HE'LL TAKE ME
TO HIS HEART
AND HOLD ME
AND LOVE ME,
AS A MAN
SHOULD LOVE HIS WIFE.
HE'LL FILL MY
SOUL,
WITH THRILLS
OF LOVE UNIMAGINED;
IF ONLY HE'D
HURRY TO ME;
IF ONLY HE'D
HURRY TO ME.
FOR HIM WHO
DESERVES MY HEART,
HE MUST BE
GENTLE,
GENTLE...
PRINCESS
What do you
think?
MERRILEE
You may never
meet him.
FAITH
Well, that'll
leave Sonny for me!
CHARITY
And the Count
for me!
MERRILEE
And Sir Render
for me!
CHARITY
But what about
your father?
MERRILEE
She can't
marry him, they're already related.
CHARITY
I know that! I mean, what will your father say? He has the wedding all planned for Saturday.
PRINCESS
I know, but I
don't care. I'll go tell him now. I'm not afraid to tell him I'm not going to
marry. (Exit PRINCESS.)
(Exit all.)
Scene iv: Night: The Great Hall
(Enter KING & SERVANT on King's balcony.)
KING
Send for the
wizard!
SERVANT
Send for the
wizard.
WIZARD
(Flash pot fizzles, WIZARD stumbles forward, below.) Damned imports! What is it, King?
KING
Wiz, what'll I
do? The princess doesn't want to marry
anyone. She says they're all liars and
cheats.
WIZARD
Well, the
thing to do is to set up a contest, a puzzle or a competition -- then the one
who wins is the right man for your daughter.
There's a long history of this sort of thing.
KING
But, is it in
vogue?
WIZARD
No, but I
believe it's in Better Castles and Gardens...
KING
(KING misses joke.)
How would it work?
WIZARD
It depends
upon the qualities you seek. For the fleetest of foot, a race, for the bravest,
a dragon slaying, for the most intelligent, a puzzle, for the worldly-wise, a
scavenger hunt.
KING
What about
integrity? the most honest? the courage to tell the truth?
WIZARD
A good choice,
Sire, but rather difficult. Let's see... Well, maybe a cherry tree chopping
contest? (Stern look from king.) No,
that wouldn't do, would it. How about
this, you tell a lie yourself and see who dares to correct you and who goes
along with the lie. That'll separate the
men from the boys, if you know what I mean.
Now, let's see, how to package the lie... Sire, tell them this: that in
looking through some of the old military reports you noticed the name of a
young soldier... (sneezes) Kije...,
and ask to hear more of him. That ought
to set the trap, and we'll just see who we catch.
KING
Capital! A truly monumental idea. Now I'll send for the courtiers and we can
spring my trap. Ah, the benefits of
working at home! A man's home truly is
his castle. Send for the courtiers!
(Exit the servant.
Offstage voices are heard calling "Send for the courtiers". Other members of the court drift in one by
one. The PRINCESS appears on her
balcony.)
(Enter COURTIERS.
Enter MESSENGER. Reads singing
telegram war dispatch to COURTIERS out of earshot of KING.)
LARSEN
What news have
you from the front, man?
MESSENGER
HERE'S THE
LATEST DISPATCH FROM THE COURIERS,
ABOUT OUR
NUTSY, GUTSY, KLUTZY WARRIORS.
ALTHOUGH THE
FIGHT WE HAD LAST NIGHT WAS NOT TOO GOOD,
THEY DID THE
BEST THEY COULD.
SONNY
Oh no, not
another loss! What will we tell the
king?
LARSEN
Don't worry,
he'll probably never ask.
SERVANT
His royal
highness, King Dom of Wuz, has called this special audience to inquire about
the state of the
COURTIERS
(To LARSEN.) Larsen! now what do we do?
LARSEN
Don't worry,
I'll think of something.
KING
(Aside.) Now we'll see if these courtiers
really are just a bunch of yes men. (To the COURTIERS.) Ahem, isn't it true that the sun rises in the
west?
LARSEN
Yes, Sire, in
our kingdom it does! (COURTIERS agree.)
KING
And isn't it
true that geese fly north for the winter?
COURTIERS
Just as you
say, Sire. Who could ever deny it?
KING
Very well,
now, who will tell me about the latest dispatches from the front?
COUNT
What would you
like to hear?
KING
Tell me how is
the war going.
(Each of the COURTIERS looks at one another for an answer.)
LARSEN
(Pausing with deliberation.)
Oh,
Sire, it's never been better!
KING
Really?
COUNT
(Pausing to consider.)
We've
demonstrated remarkable consistency...
SONNY
(Thoughtfully.) Yes, We've never had so many victories before!
SIR RENDER
(Thoughtlessly.)
We're so good I can't believe it!
KING
I'll bet! Anyway, I want to know a little bit about
this distinguished young man--what was his name--Kije? (winks at audience) that I read about in yesterday's reports. Have you heard about him?
(Each of the COURTIERS looks at one another for an answer.)
LARSEN
(Pausing again with deliberation.) Oh yes, we've heard nothing but praises!
COUNT
(Carefully.)
Not a soul is braver.
SONNY
(Thoughtfully, again.)
I can't think of a man like him.
SIR RENDER
(Thoughtlessly, again.)
Yeah, he's damn good!
KING
Interesting. Tell me more.
LARSEN
What more can
we say? The man's positively a hero!
KING
Well, maybe
you can remind me of some of his exploits.
They're getting a little foggy.
LARSEN
Uh, which ones
would you like to hear about?
KING
Why not tell
me about all of them?
COURTIERS
All of them?
KING
All of them!
LARSEN
Just a
moment. (The COURTIERS huddle.)
Song: The Grand and Glorious Kije
COUNT
THE GRAND AND
GLORIOUS KIJE THE GREAT
THE MEANEST,
KEENEST WARRIOR IN THE STATE.
NOW IF YOU
LISTEN SIRE
I WILL TELL
YOU OF THE FIRE-
BREATHING
DRAGON THAT HE DID OBLITERATE.
SONNY
ONE MORNING
KIJE WAS A-WALKING IN THE WOODS
A-STALKING
SAVAGE WILD GAME
WHEN SUDDENLY
A DRAGON
WITH ITS TAIL
A-WAGGIN'
FLUNG A FIERCE
AND FIERY FLAME.
SIR RENDER
AND THEN
WITHOUT A MOMENT'S PAUSE
AND TRAVELING
AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
HE GRABBED THE
MONSTER BY ITS CLAWS
AND TOSSED THE
CREATURE OUT OF SIGHT.
LARSEN
OH IT WAS
KIJE, VALIANT KIJE.
WISER THAN ANY
PRIEST
AND STRONGER
THAN ANY BEAST.
THAT'S KIJE,
GALLANT KIJE
I HAVEN'T SEEN
SUCH A WARRIOR
FOR A YEAR
AT LEAST.
KING
SUCH A NOBLE
QUEST.
MEN, I AM
IMPRESSED.
BUT MY MEMORY
STILL FAILS ME
TELL ME MORE!
LARSEN
(Spoken.) Excuse me. (The
COURTIERS huddle.)
COUNT
THE GREAT AND
GLORIOUS KIJE THE GRAND
THE COOLEST,
CRUELEST HERO IN THE LAND.
NOW IF YOU
LISTEN CLOSELY
I WILL TELL
YOU QUITE VERBOSELY
OF A FEAT HE
MANAGED WITH HIS VERY HAND.
SONNY
HE SLEW A
SCORE OF SOLDIERS IN A SINGLE SWOOP
WITH HIS
ASTOUNDING SILVER SWORD
AND WOULD NOT
STOP TO REST
UNTIL HE WAS
IMPRESSED
THAT ALL THE
ENEMY WAS GORED.
SIR RENDER
AND FOLLOWING
THE
ALL THE
VILLAGE PEOPLE CAME
AND THEY WERE
SO DELIGHTED THAT
THE PEOPLE
SHOUTED OUT HIS NAME.
CHORUS
THEY SHOUTED
KIJE, VALIANT KIJE.
COURTIERS
INVINCIBLE TO
ALL
WE'LL NEVER
SEE HIM FALL.
ALL
THAT'S KIJE,
GALLANT KIJE.
LARSEN
YOU'LL NEVER
FIND HIM UNAWARE
ANYWHERE AT
ALL.
THAT'S THE
GREAT AND GLORIOUS KIJE, THE GRAND.
COURTIERS
THAT'S THE
GRAND AND GLORIOUS KIJE, THE GREAT.
KING
PLEASE TELL ME
MORE...
SIR RENDER
(Spoken.) He wants to hear more! (They huddle).
SONNY
NOBODY'S BLOOD
IS BLUER
AND NO ONE'S
TONGUE IS TRUER
THAN THAT
POWERFUL PURSUER
OF VIRTUE.
COUNT
YOU'LL FIND IN
EACH ENDEAVOR
HIS MIND IS
VERY CLEVER.
SIR RENDER
AND HE'LL
NEVER EVER REALLY WANT TO HURT YOU.
COURTIERS
THAT'S THE
GREAT AND GLORIOUS KIJE THE GRAND.
SIR RENDER
MORE? (Blank stares from all COURTIERS.)
KING
MORE.
COUNT
MORE???
LARSEN
MORE.
LARSEN
(Spoken.)
All right guys, I'll start.
(Sung.) THE GRAND AND GLORIOUS KIJE THE GREAT.
(Spoken.) Your turn, Sir Render.
SIR RENDER
(Spoken.)
Uh, Thank you.
WE'VE TOLD YOU
ALMOST ALL THAT THERE IS TO STATE.
COUNT AND SONNY
AND SO WE WILL
NOT BORE YOU
BY ELABORATING
FOR YOU.
COURTIERS
AND OUR
TOUCHING TALE'S ABOUT TO TERMINATE.
CHORUS
OH YES IT'S
KIJE, VALIANT KIJE.
SO IMPRESSED
ARE WE
UNANIMOUSLY
AGREE
ON KIJE,
GALLANT KIJE.
I HAVEN'T SEEN
SUCH A WARRIOR
LIKE KIJE.
OH KIJE,
VALIANT KIJE,
INVINCIBLE TO
ALL
WE'LL NEVER
SEE HIM FALL.
OH KIJE,
GALLANT KIJE
YOU'LL NEVER
FIND HIM UNAWARE
ANYWHERE AT
ALL.
OH KIJE,
VALIANT KIJE,
INVINCIBLE TO
ALL
WE'LL NEVER
SEE HIM FALL.
OH KIJE,
GALLANT KIJE
YOU'LL NEVER
FIND HIM UNAWARE, UNAWARE, UNAWARE
ANYWHERE AT
ALL.
THAT'S THE
GRAND AND GLORIOUS KIJE, THE GREAT.
(While the CHORUS sings, the COURTIERS disappear into the
crowd.)
KING
Courtiers! Gone. I thought so. Well, good night
all. Oh, one more thing, I think I'd
like to hear a little more about this Kije tomorrow. (Exit KING. The crowd disperses,
revealing the COURTIERS again.)
SIR RENDER
What are we
going to do? He wants to hear more
tomorrow.
SONNY
We'll never be
able to come up with enough stories to satisfy the King.
LARSEN
We'll get the
minstrel to write the stories. This is his kind of thing.
COUNT
An unqualified
good idea. Let's get him. (Exit the COUNT, SIR RENDER, and SONNY.)
PRINCESS
Strong,
sensitive, witty, suave and...cute. I
think I've found my hero.
LARSEN
She must mean
me!
PRINCESS
I'M FEELING OH
SO VERY, VERY
ECSTATIC AND
EXCITED.
BECAUSE I
THINK THAT I'M IN LOVE AT LAST.
AND IT'S SO
EXTRAORDINARY.
I'M FEELING SO
DELIGHTED.
BECAUSE I
THINK THAT I'M IN LOVE AT LAST.
THIS MAN OF
MINE
IS SO DIVINE
AND
GENTLEMANLY-LIKE AND CLEVER.
WE'LL MARRY
SOON,
OUR HONEYMOON
WILL ALMOST
POSITIVELY LAST FOREVER.
AND SO I'M
READY NOW TO MARRY.
I YEARN TO BE
UNITED.
DESPITE WHAT
I'VE BEEN SAYING IN THE TIME GONE PAST.
BECAUSE I
THINK THAT I'M IN LOVE AT LAST.
MINSTREL
MY HEART
STARTS BEATING, BEATING FASTER
WHENEVER I'M
AROUND HER
AND I THINK
THAT I'M IN LOVE AT LAST.
YOU KNOW I'M
NOTHING BUT DISASTER
SINCE ON THAT
DAY I FOUND HER
AND I THINK
THAT I'M IN LOVE AT LAST.
IT ALWAYS
SEEMS
MY RESTLESS
DREAMS
ARE FILLED
WITH FANTASIES ABOUT HER.
OH, GOD, I CRY
I DOUBT THAT I
WOULD EVER BE
AT TOTAL EASE WITHOUT HER.
WHENEVER I AM
WALKING PAST HER
MY CRAVING
GROWS PROFOUNDER.
I'VE NEVER
FELT THIS WAY BEFORE IN ALL MY PAST.
BECAUSE I
THINK THAT I'M IN LOVE AT LAST.
LARSEN
IT SEEMS LIKE
SHE HAS FOUND HER HERO
SHE'S EVER SO
ELATED
AND I THINK
THAT I AM LOVED AT LAST.
PRINCESS
I LONG FOR THE
MOMENT TO BE HELD IN MY LOVER'S ARMS.
LARSEN
YOU KNOW THAT
I'M SECOND TO ZERO
AND GROSSLY
UNDERRATED
AND I THINK THAT
I AM LOVED AT LAST
MINSTREL
ALL OF MY
RESISTANCE HAS BEEN JOLTED BY HER CHARMS.
LARSEN
MY NOSE, MY
EYES,
MY TOES, MY
THIGHS,
MY POLISHED
TEETH AND CLEAR COMPLEXION,
MY CHEST, MY
CHIN,
JUST TURNS ME
IN
TO A CREATURE
ALMOST TOO GOOD FOR PERFECTION. HA HA!
I HEARD HER
CRY OUT TO HER HERO
SHE'S READY TO
BE MATED.
AND I'VE A
PERSONALITY THAT'S...
PRINCESS
TIME GONE
PAST, MY THOUGHTS HAVE NEVER BEEN SO CLOUDY
MINSTREL
ALL MY PAST, I
DON'T KNOW HOW I'VE LIVED WITHOUT THEE
LARSEN
UNSURPASSED,
SOMETIMES I EVEN DREAM ABOUT ME.
I THINK I AM
LOVED...
MINSTREL
I THINK I'M IN
LOVE...
PRINCESS
I THINK I'M IN
LOVE...
ALL
AT LAST.
(Exit MINSTREL. Enter KING on PRINCESS' balcony.)
KING
(To PRINCESS.)
Hello, dear.
PRINCESS
(Startled from her reveries.) Oh, hello father, I've decided who I will
marry.
KING
You have? I knew you would come to your senses soon
enough. Well then, who is it.
PRINCESS
The brave
young hero, Kije!
LARSEN
(Eavesdropping below.) Kije?
KING
Kije?
PRINCESS
Kije!
(Blackout.)
Act II: Thursday in Wuz: The Story of Kije
Scene i: Dawn: The Wizard's Laboratory
(Enter WIZARD in his laboratory.)
Song: A Simple Story (reprise)
WIZARD
WELL IT LOOKS
AS THOUGH IT'S NOT A SIMPLE STORY,
AND WHILE THE
WAR HAS YET TO BE WON.
IF I CAN FIND THE
MAGIC THAT'S WITHIN ME,
THEN SOON OUR
TROUBLES WILL BE OVER AND DONE.
AND I'LL
PURSUE MY INVESTIGATIONS
INTO
PRESTIDIGITATIONS,
AND SOON THESE
INFESTATIONS
WILL FLY.
THEN WHEN THE
CAULDRON BUBBLES YOU
CAN BE SURE
THE
U-Z, WUZ, WILL
SOON BE DOING FINE.
Well, welcome
back, welcome back. How are you enjoying
our little
MS. WIZ
(Offstage.) Oh, Wizard?
Where's that slave I've been asking for I just can't last another day
without one. Now don't forget!
WIZARD
Yes, dear, I'm
working on it... You know, several
members of the court are quite taken with this minstrel, and well, I have to
admit I am developing a little affection for him myself. I'll have to look in on him from time to
time, just to make sure that he isn't getting into any trouble. In fact, I might just do that now, seeing
that I have not too much else to do.
"GYPSY
CABS AND GYPSY MOTHS
GO FLUTTERING
AROUND THE TOWN.
MEANWHILE IN
THIS LITTLE LAND OF OURS,
THE ELEVATOR'S
STUCK BETWEEN UP AND DOWN."
(Flash pot goes off. WIZARD struggles to get smoke out of
way.) Ahem, I guess we'll just have to
take the stairs. (Exits.)
Scene ii: Morning: The Dungeon
(Lights shift to the MINSTREL and PUNCH who are discovered
in the dungeon in a room fashioned into the Minstrel's dressing room.)
MINSTREL
Oh Punch, here
I am, in the castle but a day, lucky to be performing instead of sitting in the
dungeon with the rest of my fellow travelers, and what happens? Like a fool--
(PUNCH signals "Who, me?".)
No, I didn't
mean you, I mean like a foolish person, I fall in love. Not in love with someone obtainable, but like
the women in songs, someone incredibly beautiful, and equally
unattainable. Who am I to fall in love
with someone like the princess. I'm not
just in a lower class, I'm in a whole different school.
(PUNCH puts on his dunce cap and then stands in the corner.)
No, not that
kind of principal. It's principles of
logic, it's Love. Do you know how
painful love can be?
(PUNCH pretends he's a bee, buzzing around and stinging the
minstrel.)
Ah yes, that's
just it. Love stings. Last night, I was in pure ecstasy. My heart sung and my love carried me away on
gossamer dragonfly wings. But today, the
dragonfly has flown and left only its sting as a memory. I realize now what I could not see in the
last night's moment of blissful inspiration.
I will be forever divided from my love.
Oh, what to do?
(PUNCH offers him a bottle.
He refuses.)
Oh, Punch,
it's no use! I might as well die a thousand violent deaths.
MINSTREL
SHE'S SO FAIR
AND BEAUTIFUL
WHILE I AM
POOR AND PLAIN
THERE'S
NOTHING I CAN DO TO FUL-
FILL THE
YEARNING IN MY BRAIN.
NOW LIFE GETS
COMPLICATED
AND LOVING
BECOMES A CRIME
FOR WE ARE
SEPARATED
BY A MOUNTAIN
TO HIGH TO CLIMB.
SHE'S OF THE
NOBILITY
I'M A LOWLY
PLAYER
AND BASED ON
PROBABILITY
I'VE NOT A
HOLY PRAYER.
NOW IF MY WAY
WAS GUIDED
TO PRACTICE
AND REACH MY PRIME
WE STILL WOULD
BE DIVIDED
BY A MOUNTAIN
TOO HIGH TO CLIMB
OH, IF HER
FACE WERE SUCH,
SHE WOULDN'T
TOUCH THE HEART SO MUCH
OR MAYBE
EFFERVESCE
WITH
CLEVERNESS
A LITTLE LESS.
FOR THEN THERE
JUST MIGHT BE
THE SLIGHTEST
HOPE FOR ME.
AND EVEN IF I
WERE THE CLEVEREST,
ENDEAVOREST,
AND I COULD
CLIMB
I'D NEVER REST
UNTIL MY
CLEVER SKILL
COULD TOPPLE
THAT HIGH HILL.
SHE'S SO FAIR
AND BEAUTIFUL
WHILE I AM
POOR AND PLAIN
IS THERE
NOTHING I CAN DO TO END
THE BURNING
AND THE PAIN?
(Exit.)
Scene iii:
(Enter the KING and 2 SERVANTS on Royal Balcony.)
KING
I want to see
the wizard!
SERVANT
The king wants
to see the wizard.
SERVANT 2
The king wants
to see the wizard.
(Enter WIZARD
in Great Hall, up right.)
WIZARD
The king wants
to see me.
SERVANT
Presenting the
Wizard.
SERVANT 2
Presenting the
Wizard.
(A flash pot goes off, a duck quacks and then falls dead on
the stage in front of the WIZARD. WIZARD steps around it.)
KING
Hello, Wiz.
SERVANT
Hullo, Wiz.
SERVANT 2
Hullo, Wiz.
(KING gives the SERVANTS a stern look. They exit.)
WIZARD
Hullo, King.
What's the problem?
KING
Well, it's my
daughter, and who she will marry.
WIZARD
A difficult
decision, I'm sure. I can't tell you how sad I am that I am not single and
available. I know that would simplify
things (aside) for both of us.
KING
Well, yes, but
the problem has gotten a little thornier.
WIZARD
Well, how
about the scheme we devised? Didn't
anything come of that?
KING
Well, they all
went along. As suitors, none is
suitable. Yes, that's it. What if the man the princess wants is...
unsuitable?
WIZARD
That's what
the tests are supposed to determine.
KING
Well, she
wants to marry Kije.
WIZARD
Oh... Well... (Brightly!) that's a little more
difficult.
KING
What'll I do?
WIZARD
Don't
worry. Take it easy, use your intuition
as I do.
KING
You do?
WIZARD
Of
course. I always follow my own advice. (KING
looks skeptical.) Now, we'll just
have to get them to produce this Kije.
And the one who breaks down and admits the lie will be the most virtuous, sort of the lesser of the four
evils.
KING
I'm not sure.
WIZARD
Look, there's
no way they can produce the man, it will just show to the princess that he
isn't really the man that she thinks he is.
KING
No way they
can produce Kije. Show that he isn't the
man she thinks he is. Not a bad
idea. Thanks, Wiz. Oh, one more thing, have you got something
for a headache?
WIZARD
For Christmas
or as a birthday present?
KING
Guards!!!
(Exit all.)
Scene iv: Afternoon: The Great Hall
(Enter LARSEN in the Great Hall.)
LARSEN
(LARSEN picks up duck and stuffs it in his jacket.) A two-bit villain she called me. I'll
show her, I'll show them all. It isn't
dedication that I lack, it's opportunity.
But soon enough they'll see what caliber of man I am. (Enter COURTIERS.) Well my friends, I'll command the minstrel to
write the stories; we're going to need him if we are going to save our
necks. Yes. The king will be wanting to know some more
about this Kije fellow, and we had better be prepared with the best lies money
can buy.
SONNY
Do you think
the minstrel will really do it for us? I
don't think he'd tell a lie to save his life.
LARSEN
Don't worry,
he'll never know it's all a lie, we'll tell him it's just a piece of fiction we
want him to write. We'll tell him we've
been telling a story to the king and have run out of ideas. We want him to write more. That'll hook him
with what he likes to do. Besides, who
can refuse the king? By the time he
finds out, he'll be in over his head.
Well, where is that sniveling little minstrel fellow, anyway? I told him to be here!
(Enter MINSTREL and PUNCH.)
LARSEN
Ah, a boy and
his dog.
SONNY
We need your
help.
LARSEN
Or else.
MINSTREL
Me? what can I
do?
COUNT
You know some
war ballads don't you?
MINSTREL
Yes, the
finest tales of old. Tales of glory,
virtue and truth.
LARSEN
Well how about
blood? and gore? and deceit? that's what we really need!
MINSTREL
Well, I don't
know. (Starts to exit.)
LARSEN
Get him boys.
(They chase the minstrel off.)
(Exit all)
Scene v: Evening: The Great Hall
(Enter the KING, the COURTIERS, the PRINCESS, the MINSTREL,
the WIZARD, and the LADIES. They walk
in, stepping over PUNCH who is sprawled on the floor where he has collapsed.
The MINSTREL wakes him and helps him up.)
KING
Let the
audience begin. Where are my courtiers?
COURTIERS
Here, Sire.
KING
Well, both my
daughter and I would like to hear more about this hero Kije. Can you describe him a bit more?
PRINCESS
Oh, yes, tell
me of his manly exploits.
KING
Well? Haven't
you any more to tell me about Kije? Who
has the tales of glory? Sir Render?
SIR RENDER
Sonny.
SONNY
The Count.
COUNT
Larsen.
LARSEN
Sire, please
excuse me if I have taken too many liberties.
SERVANT
Probably,
you've taken everything else that wasn't nailed down.
LARSEN
Ahem, please
excuse me, but I was so inspired by the latest news of this giant of a man that
I've asked the minstrel to put them to music.
KING
Ah, a tall
tale?
LARSEN
Minstrel?
MINSTREL
Uh, well, yes,
I have indeed composed a few pieces based upon the information which the
courtiers have given me, but I'm a little reluctant to perform them, I really
haven't had much time to polish them.
Uh... It seems that every time I get something down, Kije does something
even greater, and, well, I...
KING
Never mind all
that, give us what you have. I want to hear the whole story, and it better be
good.
PRINCESS
Yes, please
tell it to us.
COURTIERS
Yes, do tell
us.
LARSEN
(Aside.) Or
else.
MINSTREL
Uh.. okay,
here goes.... The story of Kije by a
wandering minstrel--with sagely advice from a fool.
(After the first verse, the WIZARD waves his hand and takes
the story from the MINSTREL's hands. He
then narrates the story as the MINSTREL, playing the part of
Kije, and the others act out the story.
Before the last verse, the WIZARD waves his wand again and gives the
story back to the MINSTREL.)
MINSTREL
IN A WORLD
THAT'S WROUGHT WITH VICE AND SIN
IT'S NICE TO
HEAR A STORY
OF LOVE,
ROMANCE AND ALL THINGS GOOD
ENLACED WITH
SPECKS OF GLORY.
WIZARD
MY TALE IS OF
A WONDROUS LAD
BOTH COMPETENT
AND YOUTHFUL
AND WHILE HE
CONQUERS ALL THINGS BAD
HE STRUGGLES
TO BE TRUTHFUL.
OUR HERO'S
NAME IS KIJE
AND THROUGH
TALENTS AND DIVINENESS
HE STRIVES TO
FIND ETERNAL PEACE
AND SATISFY
HIS HIGHNESS
ONE EVENING HE
WAS SCOUTING
THE FORSAKEN
WILDERNESS
WHEN HE HEARD
THE DISTANT SHOUTING
OF A DAMSEL IN
DISTRESS
HELD HOSTAGE
BY A VILLAIN,
RUTHLESS AND
EXPEDIENT
ASSISTED BY
THREE HENCHMEN
RATHER CLUMSY,
BUT OBEDIENT.
"RESCUE
ME," THE PRINCESS CRIED,
AND KIJE HEARD
HER PLEADING,
AND NATURALLY
THE VILLAIN TRIED
TO STOP HIM
FROM SUCCEEDING.
HE ROUNDED UP
HIS HENCHMEN THREE
"GO
FORTH!" THE VILLAIN SAID
WHEN ONE
LIGHTHEADED SERVANT ASKED
IF HE COULD GO
FIFTH, INSTEAD.
THEY CHARGED
THE SOLDIER ONE BY ONE
WITH VARYING
ABILITIES
BUT NONE COULD
EVEN HOPE TO MATCH
THE QUICKNESS
AND AGILITIES
OF KIJE, WHO
WITH FIDELITY
AND FLAIR,
FINISHED OFF
THE FELON
WHILE HE FREED
THE FEMALE FAIR.
SOON THE NEWS
OF KIJE SPREAD
HE SWIFTLY
GREW IN FAME
AS PEOPLE
THREW GREAT PARTIES
TO COMMEMORATE
HIS NAME.
HE REJECTED
SEVERAL CHANCES
OF OBTAINING
POWER AND RICHES.
HE AVOIDED
FALSE ROMANCES
SO TO FOLLOW
HIS GOAL WHICH IS
TO SIMPLY FIND
ETERNAL TRUTH,
ETERNAL PEACE
OF MIND,
AND
ULTIMATELY, ETERNAL LOVE
FROM A LOVE
HE'S YET TO FIND.
MINSTREL
SO WHERE IS
KIJE GOING NOW?
AND WHAT DOES
HE HAVE PLANNED?
WE'LL SIMPLY
HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE,
AS HE ROAMS
OUR SACRED LAND.
AS HE ROAMS
OUR SACRED LAND.
KING
What a
wonderful story, minstrel; this hero is practically...unbelievable.
PRINCESS
Father, oh
father, please send for Kije! Will you,
please?
COURTIERS
(Worried.) Send for Kije?
KING
Ah, exactly
what I intended to do.. Send for Kije!
SERVANTS
Send for Kije!
COURTIERS
(Going along with the KING.) Send for Kije!
MINSTREL
Send for
Kije? But...
PUNCH
Hic!
KING
Yes, send for
Kije! Prepare a hero's welcome! Prepare a feast! Prepare a brilliant ceremony
to award him the highest honor in the land, never before awarded, the King's
Royal Medal of Honor. Prepare for the
knighting of our brave hero and his induction into the Order of the King's
Mustache!
PRINCESS
Oh, thank you,
father. (Kisses him.)
MINSTREL
No, wait! (He
tries to get KING's attention, but the KING refuses to see him.) It's just a story. He's imaginary. You can't send for him, he's not real! (Pleading.) I tell you it's just a story.
KING
See to
it! (Aside.) I'm almost starting to believe in him myself!
I'd better take a nap. Now to enjoy the
true benefits of royal living: king-size beds!
(Exit all except MINSTREL and PUNCH.)
MINSTREL
What to do? I
made up that whole story, but they took it for truth. And when the king finds out, who knows what
he'll do to me? Could anything be worse?
(PUNCH staggers around as if he were a Temperance Movement
leader destroying the local tavern.)
What? Prohibition?
Yes, Punch. I'm sure it's worse than that.
(PUNCH offers him a bottle.)
Some
muscatel? No, I don't think so. Yes, I know that January was a very good
month. Don't you see, Punch. The king
wants to see Kije. But I'm not the
wizard, I can't make him appear nor disappear.
The only life I can give him is in song.
(PUNCH staggers as if dying.)
What a
wonderful idea. We'll kill him off. Of course, it has to be a valiant death. I'll work on the story right now!
(Enter MS. WIZ.)
MS. WIZ
Have you seen
my husband? All the wine in the house
has turned to water!
(Exit all.)
Scene vi: Night: Larsen's Room
LARSEN
(Lights shift upstage to Larsen's room, sparsely decorated
by a desk containing only a huge picture of Larsen. Enter LARSEN in his room, center stage.) When a man of my station finds himself
rejected as a paramour, it is time for the man to take action, to conquer as is
his way. So you see, this silly princess
in love with some illusory man needs my special attentions, to perform a sort
of cure. Pinching and probing as a
doctor can, while using my shyster ways, I should be able to convince her to
start to see it my way. Women are often
misguided, I suppose it's part of the frailty that gives the sex its name. It thus falls upon the stronger sex to protect
them, from themselves. Now, I must make
my plans for my seduction. Since she
only has eyes for Kije, I have to disguise myself as him. She can come to know me later, after she has
given in. Well, I must prepare my
disguise. Tonight, I conquer! To the princess! (Hisses and Boos from offstage.)
LARSEN
WHAT I AM
DOING ISN'T ALL THAT SHAMEFUL.
AND DESERVES
NO EXCLAMATIONS OF DISGUST.
I'M SIMPLY
PLAYING A LITTLE GAME FULL
OF LYING,
LIBEL, LARCENY AND LUST.
I LOVE SIN!
SO MUCH THAT I
DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.
I MUST CONFESS
THAT I POSSESS A MARVELOUS OBSESSION:
I LOVE TO SEE
OBSCENITY AND MEASURES OF OPPRESSION
AS LONG AS IT
IS ME THAT GETS TO PRACTICE THE AGGRESSION.
YES, I LOVE
SIN!
I LOVE CRIME!
YOU'LL FIND ME
DOING JUST THAT ALL THE TIME.
I LOVE BEING A
VULGAR, VICIOUS, VAGRANT OR A VANDAL
TO HELP ALONG
AN AWFUL OR UNLAWFUL LITTLE SCANDAL.
I'VE NEVER
SEEN A SCANDAL THAT I REALLY COULDN'T HANDLE.
YES, I LOVE
CRIME!
I LOATHE DON
JUAN
AND GHENGIS
KHAN
THEIR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS WERE FEW AND LITTLE
ALL HISTORY
COMPARED TO ME
EVEN NERO HAS
TO PLAY A SECOND FIDDLE.
(Exits, then reenters for his self-important encore.)
I LOVE LIBEL!
OR ANYTHING
THAT GOES AGAINST THE BIBLE.
SO MANY PEOPLE
IN THIS WORLD ARE MUCH TOO GOOD AND CAUTIOUS.
BOY SCOUTS
DOING THEIR GOOD DEEDS AND ALL OF THAT HOGWASH IS
IN MY OPINION,
WASTES OF TIME THAT ONLY MAKES ME NAUSEOUS.
YES, I LOVE
LIBEL!
I OWN A PART
OF BONAPARTE.
I LOVE POWER,
WEALTH, AND GREED AND MONEY
WITH ALL I'VE
DONE, EXCUSE THE PUN,
BUT ATTILA'S
MADE TO LOOK
HONEY.
I LOVE LUST!
DENOUNCE IT IF
YOU MUST BUT IT IS JUST.
A SIMPLE
LITTLE RAPE OR JUST A CAPER. I HAVE KNOWN SOME
PEOPLE WHO'D
SEDUCE WITH THE EXCUSE THAT THEY WERE LONESOME.
BUT ME, I'M
SIMPLY TAKING WHAT I CAN'T GET ON MY OWNSOME.
YES, I LOVE
LUST!
(Exit.)
Scene vii:
(Enter the PRINCESS on the balcony.)
PRINCESS
Oh, where is
my hero? I can hardly bear another night
of his absence.
(LARSEN enters carrying a ladder, disguised in a Groucho
mask and the officer's jacket from the Story of Kije song.)
LARSEN
(A la Groucho.) Oh,
Princess! Here I am! Let me be as a bird and fly to your
side. Let me be the bee to the honey
that is you. Yes, let me teach of the
birds and the bees.
PRINCESS
Oh dear! Are you Kije?
LARSEN
Is the Pope
Italian? Are pizza bagels Jewish? Now let me whisk you away to the land of my
dreams.
PRINCESS
(Aside.)
He's not exactly what I expected.
LARSEN
You were
expecting maybe the Easter bunny?
PRINCESS
No, someone
tall, dark and handsome... And witty.
LARSEN
That's the
most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
PRINCESS
(Aside.) Oh well, I guess you can't judge a book by
it's cover. After all, he is a great
hero.
LARSEN
Just say the
secret word and I'm yours.
PRINCESS
The secret
word?
LARSEN
Swordfish.
PRINCESS
Swordfish?
LARSEN
(Duck falls.) That's the
secret word. I'm yours! (Climbs over the balcony.) Now to enjoy the honeymoon, honey.
PRINCESS
You can't do
that. You're supposed to be married
before you have a honeymoon.
LARSEN
That's not my
philosophy. Never argue Kant with a
philosopher, that's what I say.
PRINCESS
Now wait a
minute!
LARSEN
I'll tell you
what, you do the waiting, I'll start
warming up the engines.
(Enter a servant on Royal Balcony.)
SERVANT
PRINCESS
All is wrong?
SERVANT
The hero Kije
is dead!
PRINCESS
What? Kije dead? But... You impostor! You're not Kije! (Slaps him, knocks off disguise.)
You beast! Larsen E.
Quivocator! GUARDS!!! (LARSEN chased by GUARDS. Exit PRINCESS
sobbing. LARSEN exits.)
(Enter PUNCH.)
PUNCH
(Picking up Groucho mask.)
Damn lepers, always leaving a mess.
(Exits.)
(Re-enter the PRINCESS with the KING.)
PRINCESS
Oh father,
he's dead. I don't know what I'll do
without him. All my dreams are
shattered.
KING
Now, there,
there. I know you've had you're heart
set on this Kije, he's the man of your dreams, but don't worry.
There will be other men, you'll see.
We'll find you the right man.
After all, you have a full two more days until the ceremony.
PRINCESS
(Sobbing.)
No, father. There can be no other man for me, not after Kije. Who could be so brave and valiant? No, father, I think I'll become a nun!
KING
A nun?
PRINCESS
I'll always
wear black. In mourning for Kije!
KING
That's really
not necessary. I'm sure it will all turn
out right in the end.
PRINCESS
No, father,
you must try to see my position. I
cannot marry anyone but the real Kije, and without him what is left to me?
KING
It's late,
you've had a scare. Sleep on it. I'll send your ladies-in-waiting.
(Exit KING.)
Song: A Vision, a Heart and a Feeling
PRINCESS
ONCE I WAS
CAUGHT UP IN A VISION THAT WAS SACRED
BUT FATE, SAD
ENOUGH, CAN BE QUITE EXTREME
FOR IT TOOK MY
POOR VISION WHEN IT TOOK HIS LIFE
BECAUSE OF
THIS, FATHER I'M AFRAID TO
DREAM.
AND ONCE, I
WAS BLESSED WITH MANY CHOICES FOR MY MARRIAGE
WITH LOVE THAT
WAS QUITE LIKE A TWO-WAY TRAIL
BUT MY CHOICES
WERE STIFLED WHEN THEY TOOK HIS LIFE
NOW MY OUTLOOK
FOR LIVING SUFFERS JUST AS WELL.
OH, WHY MUST
FATE BE CRUEL TO ME?
IT'S NOT MY
WISH TO BE ANOTHER JOB.
SO FATHER
PLEASE SEND HOME THE OTHER GUESTS
WHILE I LAY
DOWN MY PROUD AMBITIONS
AND WEAR MY
BLACK AND MARTYRED ROBE!
LADIES-IN-WAITING
ONCE SHE HAD
SOME PLANS THAT WERE SPECIAL
BUT WAR, SAD ENOUGH,
HAD TO SPOIL THE SCHEME.
FOR THEY
STOPPED ALL HER PLANNING WHEN THEY STOPPED HIS HEART.
PRINCESS
BECAUSE OF
THIS, FATHER I'M AFRAID TO DREAM, TO DREAM.
ALL
AND ONCE I WAS
FEELING ALIVE FOR THE FIRST TIME
BUT FATE, SAD
ENOUGH HAD TO TURN ON ME
PRINCESS
AND SO, THE
FEELING'S GONE AND THE VISION'S SURELY GONE
AND MY HEART
IS GONE.
SEND AWAY ALL
THE OTHERS, I HAVE LOST MY DREAM!
(Blackout.)
Act III: Friday in Wuz: The Death of Kije
Scene i: Dawn: The Wizard's Laboratory
(Enter WIZARD.)
Song: A Simple Story (reprise)
WIZARD
NOW I MUST
ADMIT THAT EVEN I AM WORRIED
IT LOOKS AS
THOUGH THE PRINCESS WILL BE A NUN
I'LL HAVE TO
STRUGGLE TO FIND A SPELL TO SERVE US
TO SET THINGS
RIGHT BEFORE THE SETTING SUN.
I'LL STUDY
ANCIENT MYSTICISM,
THAUMATURGY, MESMERISM,
AND EMPLOYING
EXORCISM,
I MUST
CLEAR AWAY THE
TONS OF RUBBLE, YOU
SEE ENCHANTING
W-
U-Z, WUZ, AND
THEN LOVE CAN REVIVE.
Well, things
aren't going exactly as smoothly as might be desired around here, but then,
it's times like this when we wizards are most needed. In fact, I'm working on a powerful spell, but
more about that later. A lot has
happened, my friends, and I'm not sure you realize what's really been going on. Ever since this whole Kije thing began,
things have been going from bad to worse. (Enter MINSTREL and PUNCH.) It may have started with the courtiers,
but it's on the minstrel's shoulders now.
MINSTREL
I know, that's
why I came to you for help. But what can
you do? What do you know of the pain of
love?
WIZARD
I know plenty.
I know what happened when I gave Punch a
love potion, and he looked at a bottle. I know what happened when I thought it
had no effect on Punch and so tried it myself. Then I looked at. (glances at picture of Ms. Wiz).. well,
never mind. Let's get to your problem.
MINSTREL
What will I do
now?
WIZARD
Well, Kije's
dead, right? So now you've got to write
a suitable story of his death.
MINSTREL
It will be
valiant, the greatest tale I've ever written... And how is the princess? Has she chosen a suitor yet?
WIZARD
The
princess? If you must know, when she
heard last night's announcement she decided to become a nun.
MINSTREL
A nun?
PUNCH
A-hic?
MINSTREL
Do you mean
she fell in love with Kije? Oh, I never
meant to deceive her. Larsen and the
courtiers told me it was just a story.
WIZARD
And so it is,
one great story. And she just happened
to believe it. And then she fell in love
with your Kije. Now that he's dead,
she's lost her heart.
MINSTREL
Oh, what is
there to live for?
WIZARD
There's plenty
to live for. But if you don't watch your
step, you'll end up like Larsen... Or worse.
MINSTREL
Like Larsen?
WIZARD
They've thrown
him in the stocks for deceiving the princess.
He'll be lucky if he gets through this one with his head still on his
shoulders.
MINSTREL
How did he
deceive her?
WIZARD
He disguised
himself as Kije (holds up Kije's jacket)
and tried to seduce the Princess.
MINSTREL
Is she all
right?
WIZARD
Well enough.
MINSTREL
A most
beautiful princess brought to this.
(Takes jacket.) My own character,
the most valiant man who never lived... Come along, Punch. This ghost of Kije
has caused too much grief already. It's
time to put this mischievous spirit to its final rest. We must compose our sorrows into the finest
eulogy ever written.
PUNCH
Hic. (Exit
PUNCH and MINSTREL.)
WIZARD
Well, there
goes a sad fellow. In need of help, I dare say.
But there's some pretty important things going on in the great hall
right now. Let's take a little peek. But
first my famous disappearing candle trick.
Presto! (Candle is still there.) Hm.
Oh, well. Now, where did I put that book
of spells? Are you sitting on it? No. Under your feet? Oh, here it is. Now let's see; K, candied apples, canned
fruit, King. Oh, yes, this is familiar.
"PHILOSOPHER'S
STONE, CHRONOS' SAND,
CHAIN OF GOLD
AND WEDDING BAND.
SHOW US,
SPIRIT, WHO RULES THE LAND!"
(Highlight PUNCH center floor.)
Oh well, wrong
book.
(Exit WIZARD.)
Scene ii: Morning: The Great Hall
(Enter the PRINCESS, the COURTIERS, LADIES IN WAITING,
SERVANTS
and TOWNSPEOPLE, and the MINSTREL. LARSEN is in the stocks.
Enter
the KING.)
KING
What's going
on here?
SERVANTS
Kije is
dead! (General sobbing.)
LADIES-IN-WAITING
The Princess
is going to become a nun.
COURTIERS
A nun!
PRINCESS
Without Kije,
there's hardly anything to live for.
KING
But how did he
die? Sir Render?
SIR RENDER
It was a
mysterious death.
SONNY
It was a
valiant death.
COUNT
It was an
heroic death. He was with us but a
moment. A wisp of smoke that is gone
with the autumn breeze. Just a passing
sigh that will echo on throughout time.
He was--
KING
Yes, yes,
enough of all that. How exactly did he
die?
MINSTREL
Sire, if you
will permit me, I have the story. It's a
sad story, yet inspiring. As heroic as any of the great myths.
PRINCESS
Oh, my Kije! (Sobs.)
MINSTREL
I have set the
tale to music this very morning, and we have only rehearsed this afternoon, but
for all its roughness, I should like to sing it to you, to honor the last of
the great, the death of a hero.
MINSTREL
MY LAST REPORT
OF KIJE
HERE IN MY
HANDS I HOLD.
THIS LAST
REPORT OF KIJE
IS THE SADDEST
EVER TOLD.
FOR ON THE
BLOODY BATTLEFIELD
FROM WHAT I
COMPREHEND,
IT WAS ON THE
BLOODY BATTLEFIELD
WHERE KIJE MET
HIS END.
WIZARD
(Spoken) LET
THE MESSAGE NOW BE SPREAD
OUR HERO
KIJE'S GONE,
BUT WHILE HIS
BODY MAY BE DEAD
HIS SPIRIT
SHALL LIVE ON.
MINSTREL
HE FOUND THE
FIGHTING MEN OF WUZ
SURROUNDED BY
OUR FOE.
THEY WERE
WITHOUT A LEADER
AND DID NOT
KNOW WHERE TO GO.
THE ENEMY WAS
MERCILESS
THEIR TORTURES
HARSH AND CRUEL.
HE KNEW IF
THEY WOULD REACH THE TOWN
THEY'D STEAL
ITS PRECIOUS JEWEL.
MINSTREL, LADIES AND COURTIERS
A JEWEL, A
JEWEL.
O'ER WHICH
MANY MEN WOULD DUEL.
THE FINEST,
FAIREST GEM IN ALL THE LAND.
THE LOSS OF
THIS FAIR LASS HE COULD NOT STAND.
MINSTREL
HE KNEW THAT
IF THE ENEMY
WOULD FURTHER
THEIR ADVANCE
OUR RECKLESS,
LUCKLESS SOLDIERS
WOULD NOT
STAND A FIGHTING CHANCE.
AND THOUGH HE
KNEW THAT HE WOULD NOT
COME OUT OF
THIS ALIVE
HE LED THE
TROOPS HIMSELF
SO THAT OUR
KINGDOM WOULD SURVIVE.
WIZARD
(Spoken)
FAREWELL, COURAGEOUS HERO
OUR HEARTS ARE
SAD AND GRIEVOUS
FOR WARRIORS
WILL COME AND GO
BUT HEROES
NEVER LEAVE US.
MINSTREL
SO ENDS MY
NEWS OF KIJE
I HAVE NO MORE
TO SAY
BUT EVEN
LOVELY AUTUMN LEAVES
IN TIME WILL
BLOW AWAY
HIS MEMORY
WILL LINGER IN
THE HEARTS AND
MINDS OF ALL
THE PEOPLE HE
PROTECTED
AND THE MEN
WHO WATCHED HIM FALL.
PRINCESS
It's so
beautiful, so sad. Oh, I can't bear it any longer! (Exit sobbing.)
KING
This day I
declare an evening of mourning, henceforth and forever, in honor of the dead
hero, Kije. Let the story of his valiant
death be told throughout the land. (Exit LADIES and PEASANTS singing:)
ALL
OH YES, IT'S
KIJE, VALIANT KIJE
SUCH AN AWFUL
SHAME
WE'LL NEVER BE
THE SAME
WITHOUT
KIJE...
KING
Now let us
turn to other things before us. You,
Larsen, you are the biggest disgrace of all!
Attempting to soil the good name of the now immortal Kije, and the good
reputation of my daughter as well! What
have you to say for yourself?
LARSEN
I demand
justice!
KING
Justice?!
LARSEN
Leniency?
KING
Leniency?!
LARSEN
Kneeling,
pleading, self-abasing mercy?
KING
I haven't come
up with a punishment to fit the crime.
The rack's too good for you. But
I'm having the wizard work on a fitting punishment right now. More news at eleven. Until then, take him away.
(Exit everyone
except the KING.)
Scene iii:
(Re-enter the
PRINCESS, joining King on his balcony.)
PRINCESS
Oh, father, I
can't bear the thought of Kije lying out there on the field of battle, or
buried in some shallow grave. He
deserves better than that.
KING
But what can I
do, dear? I can't bring a man back from
the dead any more than I could give him life in the first place.
PRINCESS
Father, surely
you can do something! Give Kije a hero's
burial.
KING
A hero's
burial?
(Aside.) How can I bury an
imaginary man? But then, how can the
courtiers produce an imaginary man? They
can't just pull it out of thin air. Now, finally, here's a way to catch them in
their lies and end this silly episode -- or at least end my daughter's sorrow. (To
the PRINCESS.) That's a good idea, a
hero's burial. Why, we can even still
give him the medal of honor. It will be awarded posthumously. I'll even pin it on him myself.
PRINCESS
Oh Father, let
me.
KING
Very well. (To
SERVANTS.) Courtiers!
(Enter MINSTREL, PUNCH, SONNY, SIR RENDER, and the COUNT.)
KING
Bring me the
body of the hero Kije.
COURTIERS
Kije's body?
MINSTREL
Kije's body??
(MINSTREL and PUNCH cross to MINSTREL's dressing room.)
Scene iv: Afternoon: Various Rooms of the Castle
(The COUNT, SONNY and SIR RENDER cross to center.)
COUNT
Now what are
we going to do? The King wants to see
Kije!
SIR RENDER
I don't know
what to do; Larsen got us into this spot.
SONNY
Larsen is
always getting us into trouble.
SIR RENDER
Why do we
listen to him?
COUNT
Because he's
the only one who can ever get us out of trouble.
SIR RENDER
Well, he isn't
here to save us now.
SONNY
He's in more
trouble than we are!
SIR RENDER
So far.
SONNY
Well, we
better do something to make sure we don't end up in the dungeon, too.
COUNT
We had better
do something with the utmost rapidity.
We've got to find a casket or a reasonable facsimile at least.
SONNY
Faith has an
old cedar chest.
SIR RENDER
(Surprised.) They looked
real to me!
SONNY
It's a trunk,
stupid.
SIR RENDER
Who are you
calling stupid?
COUNT
Now, wait a
minute. We'll need something else. An empty cedar chest won't weigh enough. We need something heavy to fill it.
SIR RENDER
But where will
we get anything in time?
SONNY
Charity has a
rock collection. It ought to be heavy
enough.
SIR RENDER
How will we
get it? She'd never part with it willingly.
SONNY
Maybe we could
buy it.
SIR RENDER
She'd never
sell it. Besides, where would we get the
money? (They look at the COUNT.)
COUNT
Oh, no. No. I
won't.
SONNY
It's your neck
too.
COUNT
Well, okay.
I'll try, but I don't promise anything.
SONNY
And what will
you do, Sir Render?
COUNT
Probably run
away leaving me holding the bag.
SIR RENDER
I'll get
something to drape the coffin.
SONNY
Get Merrilee's
tapestry.
SIR RENDER
Merrilee's
tapestry?
SONNY
You know, the
one that looks like a coat of arms.
SIR RENDER
Okay, I'll see
if I can find her.
COUNT
Okay, let's
go. We'll meet back here in an hour.
( Trips over PUNCH
waking him, exit all but Punch)
PUNCH
Here I am,
alone as ever. You know, there nothing
quite so lonely as when no one listens. Listen to me. I'm a jester.
My mission, quite simply, is to touch you, your heart, your soul. To reach you, to make you laugh or to cry.
But how can you touch someone when your voice is lost, a whisper in the
wind? Ah, a truth: if a pin falls in a
haystack with no farmer in the dell, does it make a sound? I think not.
And so, they're left untouched.
But when I drink, I dream. I
speak, they hear. Why the very bottles
around join me to dance and sing. Sorrow
and joy, in proportion, make a well-mixed drink. Ah, in my dreams. Come drink with me and join
me in the dance and song of my dreams.
Song: Punch's Dream (reprise of Love at Last)
PUNCH
THIS STUFF IS
REALLY SO DELICIOUS,
THE BEST I'VE
EVER TASTED,
AND I THINK
THAT I'M IN LOVE (HIC) AT LAST.
AND ALL THOSE
SILLY HUGS AND KISSES
COULD NEVER
HAVE REPLACED IT
AND I THINK
THAT I'M IN LOVE (HIC) AT LAST.
SOMETHING
ALKA.. ALKA.. ALKA...
(DANCE OF THE BOTTLES)
(Two beautiful women in green with white labels, enter and
lift up and dance with PUNCH, then exit.)
ONE OF MY VERY
BIGGEST WISHES
IS SIMPLY
GETTING WASTED.
THERE'S
NOTHING I LIKE BETTER THAN GETTING SMASHED.
AND I THINK
THAT I'M IN LOVE (HIC) AT LASHT.
FOR SNACK OR
LUNCH
SOME POTENT
PUNCH
WILL MAKE ME
WANT TO DANCE AND FROLIC.
BUT THEN
YOU'LL FIND
THAT I DON'T
MIND
AS LONG AS I
GET SOMETHING ALKA., ALKA.,
(Dancing bottles
exit)
ONE OF MY VERY
BIGGEST WISHES
IS SIMPLY
GETTING WASTED.
THERE’S
NOTHING I LIKE BETTER THAN GETTING SMASHED.
AND I THINK
THAT I’M IN LOVE (HIC) AT LASHT.
Scene v: Various Rooms of the castle
(The Courtiers split up.
SIR RENDER goes to the tapestry which is hanging left. He hides behind it. The COUNT picks up a rock and brings it to
where CHARITY has several others on a table at right. CHARITY is counting her pearls. SONNY goes to the cedar chest which is at
rear. He sits on it. FAITH is standing with her back to him,
facing out the door. CHARITY, FAITH, the
COUNT and SONNY freeze. Enter MERRILEE.)
MERRILEE
(Looking behind tapestry, to see who is behind it.) What are you doing here?
SIR RENDER
Looking for a
place to hide.
MERRILEE
That's not a
very good one. Your feet stick out.
SIR RENDER
Know any
better?
MERRILEE
I do, but
hiding is not the answer. You can't hide
forever.
SIR RENDER
A long time
would be fine with me. If you knew what
trouble I'm in...
(They freeze.)
COUNT
(Aside.)
Pearls before swine.
CHARITY
What was that,
dear count?
COUNT
I said you're
looking fine. How splendorous your
locks, how beauteous your brow. How
shining your eyes. How magnificent your
rocks, er, gem collection. It sets you
off, a diamond in the rough.
CHARITY
Okay, enough
of that. You want something. What is it?
COUNT
No really,
it's nothing. A mere trifle when I may
gaze at you instead. I hardly feel it
worth mentioning.
CHARITY
Mention it.
COUNT
This gem
collection. I must have it. It cannot compare with the wealth engraven in
your smile. But it is a consolation. How much would you like for it?
CHARITY
It's not for
sale. I've put my heart into it, I've put love into it like nothing else.
COUNT
You
misunderstand me, I must have it. Money
is no object. Name your price.
CHARITY
No, it's not
for sale. Not at any price. I'm
disappointed in you, Count. I've always counted you as a friend.
COUNT
But I am your
friend, my dear.
CHARITY
Well, a friend
wouldn't presume upon a relationship with offers of money. You know how I feel about these gems.
COUNT
But, I do so
need it. And I couldn't just ask.
CHARITY
Why not? That's what friends are for.
COUNT
(Flattered.)
You mean you really do consider me your friend? I've always been looking for a friend.
(They freeze.)
SONNY
(A la Bogart.) Listen, sweetheart. Like I told you
before. I need that box. See.
FAITH
And I told
you, I can't part with it. My future is
all contained in it. It's my hope chest.
SONNY
Look, kid. Is
that the kind of future you want. As
empty as this box? That's not the kind
of future for you. That's the future of
a dead man. You don't want that. Listen to me, I know what's good for you.
FAITH
Don't bully
me!
SONNY
I want your
chest!
FAITH
I beg your
pardon!
SONNY
(Preparing to slap her.)
I need that box.
FAITH
(Slaps him instead. He is deflated.) I used to think I liked you, you were open,
young and, yes, vulnerable. Now you play like a tough guy. Well, I don't like it. You're not so tough after all. You can't get people to do what you want by
pushing them around. You have to work
with them. Be open, then you really are charming. Not like this.
(They freeze.)
MERRILEE
It's okay to
be afraid. But you have to swallow that
fear and carry on anyway. Now what are
you going to do?
SIR RENDER
Run away!
MERRILEE
No. Haven't
you even an idea? Surely you can think
of something, perhaps someone else has suggested something.
SIR RENDER
Well, yes, but
I have to ask someone for something, and I'm afraid to ask.
MERRILEE
You've got to
do it. Be brave. Go ahead.
Go out to this person. Stand like
a man and ask.
SIR RENDER
Okay! I will.
I want your tapestry!
MERRILEE
No!!! (SIR
RENDER collapses.) Well, maybe. Look, I'll give it to you, but you must be
careful, and remember be brave. (Gives him the tapestry.)
SIR RENDER
I will, I'll
be afraid, but I'll be brave. (Exits with tapestry.)
MERRILEE
(Calling after
him.) And careful. Don't forget to be
careful.
(Exits.)
CHARITY
A friend in
need is a friend indeed.
COUNT
Ah, yes, a
clever folk witticism. I do thank you
for the collection, as I have said, it is well, uh, very important to me. You have been so kind.
CHARITY
Then you will
drop by again sometime when all this is over?
COUNT
(Flattered again.)
Friend, it would be a pleasure.
Until that time, I take my leave. (Exit.)
CHARITY
Goodbye. It has been good talking to you. I think I have found a truer wealth through
you. Adieu. (Exits.)
SONNY
(MERRILEE is emptying the box.) How can I ever repay you?
MERRILEE
Don't put on
false airs, let us be partners, equals.
And perhaps we may share some other times together when things are less
desperate.
SONNY
(SONNY goes to take box, but can't lift it.) Okay.
Uh, partner, could you give me a hand with this.
FAITH
Of course,
dear. (She picks up one end and helps him move it to
center stage where the COUNT and SIR RENDER are waiting with the tapestry and
rocks.) Goodbye, love. (SONNY blushes, FAITH exits.)
SIR RENDER
We don't even
have a body to bury, what'll we do?
SONNY
We will if we
don't do something soon. We'll have
three of them -- us.
COUNT
We've got a
coffin now. We'll fill it with these
stones and close it up to present to the king.
SONNY
That sounds
like a good idea.
SIR RENDER
No, it
doesn't, it's stupid! No one would be
fooled by a bunch of stones. That
wouldn't look like a hero!
SONNY
It's all we've
got.
COUNT
Help me fill
this thing with the rocks. (They start to fill it with rocks.)
SIR RENDER
I hope the
king doesn't open it.
COUNT
We'll have the
servants nail it shut.
SONNY
What if he
wants to look inside?
COUNT
We'll just
have to come up with a good reason why he shouldn't.
SIR RENDER
I sure wish
Larsen was here. He'd get us out of
this.
SONNY
He got us into
this! And if he were here now, he might
get us into this. (Indicates coffin.)
(Enter 2 servants.)
COUNT
Ahem! Now, look here, we want you to nail up this
coffin and put it on that stand. Now,
don't forget. (To SONNY and SIR RENDER.) Let's go, we have some planning to do. (Exit COURTIERS.)
SERVANT 1
(Starts nailing.)
Who is this guy?
SERVANT 2
They say he's
a hero, Kije.
SERVANT 1
(Knocks off the foot of the coffin.) Damn, I broke this side off.
SERVANT 2
What'll we do?
SERVANT 1
(Tries unsuccessfully to fix it.) Who cares? For the amount of money they pay
us, what can they expect? Besides,
there's no one in there.
SERVANT 2
No one in
there? You're kidding!
SERVANT 1
No,
really! There's just rocks.
SERVANT 2
Rocks?
SERVANT 1
Yeah,
rocks. I dunno why they want to bury
rocks.
SERVANT 2
Me neither. (Finishes nailing. puts tapestry on top. Special note: at this point, the foot end of
the box (the side that was knocked off) should be pointing to the left, so that
the audience cannot see what is in it.
Additionally, it and its stand should be stationed just forward of an
exit so that when the minstrel crawls in, he can crawl out a hidden panel on
the reverse side, make a costume change and return, all while the coffin is on
stage. This adds a little magical touch
to the minstrel's discovery at the end.)
SERVANT 1
Let's go. We'll come back just before the funeral.
SERVANT 2
O.K. with
me. There's no point in hanging around
here any longer.
SERVANT 1
No, not with
all these dead rocks in here. (Exit servants.)
Scene vi: Evening: A Room in the Castle
(Enter MINSTREL and PUNCH before the casket.)
MINSTREL
Now I'm really
in for it. Look what I've done! I've really messed things up. The princess
wants to join a convent. Larsen's in
prison, and the king wants to decorate Kije posthumously. When he finds out that it's all something I
made up, he'll kill me.
PUNCH
Hic!
MINSTREL
True. I would
be out of my misery. But, then, think of
what it would do to the princess to find
out her lover was but a figment of an idle imagination. And the shame to be the one who deluded her!
I think I will take my life, Punch. But
how to do it? Quickly, and painlessly --
no, that's the coward's way out, and too good for me. I must suffer as my broken heart commands.
PUNCH
Hic!
MINSTREL
What's
that? You're right, it is open...
Perhaps that's it! I could crawl in -- a
fitting death that would be, to be smothered by warm mother earth since I
cannot smother myself in the warmth of my true love's arms. But, first, let's take these rocks out. (PUNCH starts taking rocks out.) Since I am all that is left of Kije, how
fitting that I, his murderer (so to speak), should take his place.
PUNCH
Hic!
MINSTREL
Quite right, I
was forgetting. (Sits down and writes.) Punch, I want you to take this to the
princess. Tell her it was the last
letter written by Kije before he went to his death.
(PUNCH takes letter.)
MINSTREL
This will also
be my final ballad to tell of my departing.
Read this when they ask where I've gone. Now, where is that officer's
jacket? (Finds Kije's jacket and puts it on.)
Scene vi: Sunset: The Princess' Balcony
(Enter PUNCH with the PRINCESS.)
PRINCESS
Hello,
Punch. What are you doing here? It's really no use trying to cheer me up, I'm
not in the mood for jokes. I'm too sad. Now Kije is gone, and I've nothing to
remember him by. Not even a lock of his
hair...
PUNCH
Hic! (Offers
letter. PRINCESS takes it. PUNCH turns away.)
PRINCESS
What is
this? A letter? To me?
From whom? It's from Kije! A letter from Kije! When did you get this? What does it say? (PUNCH exits. The MINSTREL
sings The Letter, then enters coffin.)
MINSTREL
MY LAST WORDS,
MY FINAL BREATH
MY LIFE LIES
BEFORE ME.
NOT EASY TO
TALK OF DEATH.
THE WEATHER
HERE IS STORMY.
BUT LO, ON THE
BATTLEFIELD,
THIS SOLDIER
WILL HOLD STRONG.
I NOW LAY DOWN
MY SWORD AND SHIELD,
AND WRITE TO
YOU THIS SIMPLE SONG.
MY LAST WORDS,
MY FINAL BREATH,
I'M SORRY I
MUST LEAVE YOU.
NOT EASY TO
THINK OF DEATH.
BUT MY ABSENCE
SHOULD NOT GRIEVE YOU.
NOW DON'T STOP
ENJOYING LIFE.
DO NOTHING TOO
EXTREME.
REMEMBER ME AS
NOTHING BUT
A HERO IN A
BLISSFUL DREAM.
PRINCESS
(Spoken, read.) I write to you now, my coffin surely
in sight. The enemy encroaches upon our
camp and he's even more powerful and terrible than I had dreamed. He comes with force to the
MINSTREL
NOW YOU SHOULD
GO ON IN LIFE.
THE WHOLE
WORLD BEFORE YOU.
THINK NOT OF
ANY STRIFE
NO TEARS DO I
IMPLORE YOU.
BUT LO, ON THE
BATTLEFIELD,
THIS SOLDIER
WILL HOLD STRONG.
I NOW LAY DOWN
MY SWORD AND SHIELD,
AND WRITE TO
YOU THIS SIMPLE SONG,
SO CHERISH NOW
THIS SONG OF LOVE.
FROM KIJE,
PRINCESS & MINSTREL
THE GRAND AND
GLORIOUS KIJE, THE GREAT
(Exit PRINCESS.
MINSTREL climbs into coffin.)
Scene vii: Night: the Wizard's Laboratory
Song: A Little Bit of Magic (Reprise)
(During this next song, the minstrel may surreptitiously
slip offstage for costume change and then slip back.)
(WIZARD lights candle.)
WIZARD
(Spoken)
AH YES, AH
YES,
TENSION AND
DISTRESS,
HOW CAN WE BE
RID OF THIS IDIOTIC MESS?
SUCH STRAIN
AND STRESS,
HOW DO I
PROGRESS?
DO I EVEN HAVE
THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE FOR SUCCESS?
I MUST CONFESS
THAT I'M
POWERLESS
DESPITE ALL OF
THIS MAGIC THAT I SEEM TO
POSSESS.
YES
UNLESS,
UNLESS,
I DISPENSE
WITH THIS MESS! (Wizard is throwing
things into cauldron, the last thing is the magic book) We won’t need this anymore.
MAGIC FROM A
BOOK CANNOT COMPETE WITH CLEVERNESS.
THE ANSWER IS
SO SIMPLE THAT IT'S ALMOST
EFFORTLESS!
I'LL JUST
GUESS!
(Sung) WHEN
YOU'RE FEELING DOWN
AND YOU WANT
TO BE BROUGHT UP,
A LITTLE MAGIC
DOES THE TRICK.
(Drops scarf. It returns to his hand.)
IF YOU WEAR A
FROWN
THEN CONJURE
UP A CUP
OF SOME MAGIC
BREW.
A SIP OR TWO
SHOULD COMFORT
YOU.
(Produces a cup.)
IF YOU STILL
ARE FEELING
AND YOU CAN'T
FIND A CURE THAT IS QUICK
THEN DON'T BE
A CRAB,
JUST SAY
ABRACADABRA!
LITTLE MAGIC
DOES THE TRICK.
YES, IT DOES.
JUST A LITTLE
MAGIC DOES THE TRICK!
(Turns cane into scarves.)
SOMEWHERE I
HAVE READ
THAT IF YOU'RE
FEELING BLUE
A LITTLE MAGIC
DOES THE TRICK.
(Turns red scarf to blue.)
AND RESTING IN
BED
MIGHT HELP YOU
FIGHT THE FLU
OR A
TEMPERATURE
BUT IF YOUR
CURE IS NOT THAT SURE...
(Disappears scarf.)
DON'T FORGET
YOU'RE NOT
DEAD YET,
AND AS LONG AS
YOUR HEART WANTS TO TICK
THERE'S ALWAYS
THAT SURE
GUARANTEED
LITTLE CURE-ALL --
A LITTLE MAGIC
DOES THE TRICK!
YES, IT DOES.
JUST A LITTLE
MAGIC DOES THE TRICK.
IF YOU ASK ME
HOW I DO IT
IT'S MY
SECRET, YOU PURSUE IT.
WELL, THERE'S
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO IT.
AND YOU WONDER
HOW I EVER GOT TO BE SO SLICK
BECAUSE I AM
THE WIZARD OF WUZ!
JUST A LITTLE
MAGIC DOES THE TRICK!
JUST A LITTLE
BIT OF MAGIC DOES THE TRICK!
NOW IF YOU ARE
STILL
FEELING SO
DARN DEPRESSED,
A LITTLE MAGIC
DOES THE TRICK.
(Produces petals from fingertips.)
YOU'LL FIND
THAT IT WILL ALWAYS OPERATE THE BEST,
AND IT'S NOT
THAT TOUGH.
WE HAVE ENOUGH
OF ALL THAT STUFF.
(Turns candle to salt.)
REST ASSURED,
A MAGIC WORD
OR A QUICK
LITTLE WAVE OF A STICK,
(Produces a cane from scarves.)
IS ALWAYS,
YOU'LL SEE, A
SUPREME
PANACEA.
A LITTLE MAGIC
DOES THE TRICK!
YES, IT DOES!
JUST A LITTLE
MAGIC DOES THE TRICK!
(WIZARD and dancing cane dance.)
IF YOU ASK ME
HOW I DO IT,
IT'S MY
SECRET, YOU PURSUE IT.
WELL, THERE'S
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO IT.
AND YOU WONDER
HOW I EVER GOT TO BE SO SLICK
BECAUSE I AM
THE WIZARD OF WUZ!
JUST A LITTLE
MAGIC DOES THE TRICK!
JUST A LITTLE
BIT OF MAGIC DOES THE TRICK!
(WIZARD disappears onstage in a huge puff of smoke.)
Scene vii:
(The SERVANTS move the coffin. We now see the foot of the coffin, facing
directly towards the audience, which
allows us to see the minstrel's feet inside.
The minstrel keeps wiggling his feet.
Enter KING, PRINCESS, COURTIERS, LARSEN in chains and PUNCH.)
KING
Well, now, so
here are the remains of Kije. Let us now
have a moment of silence to honor him... To further honor him, the princess
will present him with the medal of honor.
Open the coffin.
SONNY
I don't think
we should.
KING
Why not?
SIR RENDER
It's already
nailed down.
KING
We can pry it
open again.
COUNT
Well, Sire,
actually, as you know, Kije died a violent and bloody death. His limbs were torn asunder. His body is quite unviewable. It would be too much for the Princess.
KING
Daughter?
(PRINCESS nods.)
(Soldier's March begins.
Enter the soldiers.)
SONNY
Look! The soldiers are coming!
TOWNSPEOPLE
Oh, no! They
must have lost the war!
KING
Sergeant, what
is your report?
SERGEANT
We come to
honor Kije, our hero.
KING
And how will
you honor him?
SERGEANT
I wish to give
him this sword to be buried with him.
KING
And what sword
is that?
SOLDIERS
It is the
sword of the commander of the enemy. The
enemy has surrendered!
KING
What!
COURTIERS
What!
TOWNSPEOPLE
What?
SERGEANT
When my men
heard of brave Kije's noble death, they were inspired with a passion for
revenge. The war cry went out:
"Avenge Kije, the bravest of heroes!"
The battle was ours as the enemy ran from our grief-torn soldiers, and
in a moment we had ended ten years' toil.
Victory!
SOLDIERS
Victory!
ALL
Victory!
SERGEANT
And, now, we
must honor our dead, the brave and valiant Kije. (Opens coffin.) Kije. (Places
sword in coffin.)
COURTIERS
Kije??
PRINCESS
(Sobbing over Kije.) Kije! He's even more handsome than I had
dreamed. Kije, my lost love, I present
you with the medal of honor. (Pins on medal.)
MINSTREL
Ouch! (Sits
up.)
COUNT
He's alive!
TOWNSPEOPLE
Hurray!
SIR RENDER
It's a
miracle!
TOWNSPEOPLE
Hurray!
WIZARD
(Aside.)
Actually, it's just a little magic.
LARSEN
Actually, it's
the Minstrel!
KING
Guards!
COUNT
No, he's right
-- it is the Minstrel!
MINSTREL
It's true, I
am the minstrel. Choose your sentence,
it cannot be worse than the death I had chosen, nor worse than a life without
the princess I love.
PRINCESS
Deceived
again! My Kije is gone!
MINSTREL
I never meant
to deceive you or hurt you. I never
dreamed my simple ballads would cause such misery. They were just tales to brighten up our empty
lives. Now, sentence me if you will, for
I will not play this lie a moment longer.
I shall not flinch from this just punishment. For in breaking your heart, I have broken my
own. You cannot do worse to me in death
than I have done to myself in life.
PRINCESS
My Kije, the
man of my dreams. I never knew you but in this minstrel's ballads and... (Clutches letter tightly.) But where is my Kije now? Strewn about the bloody battlefield? His noble body ravaged by dogs and birds?
MINSTREL
He is a man
who never was. Too immortal to ever die,
he never had the chance to live, to know you, fair princess.
PRINCESS
But then, did
you write this letter?
MINSTREL
Yes, I
did. For there is no Kije -- only me, a
simple minstrel.
PRINCESS
You?
MINSTREL
MY LAST WORDS,
MY FINAL BREATH
MY LIFE LIES
BEFORE ME.
NOT EASY TO
TALK OF DEATH,
THE WEATHER
HERE IS STORMY.
PRINCESS
GENTLE--THAT'S
HOW I DESCRIBE HIS HEART
TRULY--THAT'S
HOW HE CARES.
MINSTREL
WE SOLDIERS
MUST FIGHT OUR WARS
SO YOU'LL ONE
DAY BE QUEEN
PRINCESS
MAYBE HE'S
KIJE! HE MUST BE KIJE!
HOLD ME KIJE,
SPEND ALL YOUR TIME WITH ME.
MINSTREL
I LAY DOWN MY
SWORD AND SHIELD
AND SING TO
YOU THIS PRAYER OF...
BOTH
LOVE.
PRINCESS
But, then, you
are Kije, at least the Kije that I love.
Father, spare him. Whatever he
has done, this is the man I will marry.
KING
The man you
will marry! Him?
LARSEN
Him?
PRINCESS
Remember, you
promised. You said any man in the
kingdom, and I choose him.
KING
But, a lowly
minstrel? Who broke your heart? Who --
WIZARD
-- Is the
first one to tell the truth? To end the
lie?
KING
Well, then,
let it be. (Motions to servants who remove the coffin
from the stage.) Remove this
coffin. And now, my daughter, the
princess, will marry Kije, the hero and minstrel, tomorrow at
TOWNSPEOPLE & SOLDIERS
Long live
Kije! Long live the princess!
KING
And for my
deceitful courtiers, who are nothing more than a bunch of old women, a fitting
punishment. Wizard! Wiz, what punishment
have you devised? (WIZARD whispers in KING's ear.)
Yes! Three wives to turn you into men! For Sir Render, Merrilee; for Sonny, Faith;
for the Count, Charity.
LADIES-IN-WAITING
Yea! (Run
to their respective men.)
KING
And for you,
Larsen, the wizard has devised a special punishment to make you pay. Ms. Wiz.
MS. WIZ
Who, me?
KING
Yes. (He
indicates LARSEN.)
MS. WIZ
For me?
KING
Yes.
MS. WIZ
(Runs over to LARSEN.)
HOT
DAMN! My very own slave. Oh, thank you, your highness. Thank you.
KING
Don't thank
me, thank your husband.
WIZARD
No thanks are
necessary. This is thanks enough!
KING
Very well
then. Now prepare for the celebration!
ALL
(Cheers.)
PUNCH
(Strikes KING.) Hey, what
about me?! (Everyone is astonished at hearing him speak. Their astonishment is
increased as all the clocks in the kingdom begin to tick and chime. The WIZARD comes forward and takes control of
the situation as he waves his staff and makes PUNCH's dream, the dancing
bottles, come true. Two beautiful women
in green with white labels come in from the wings and lift up PUNCH, as he
opens the finale.)
PUNCH
YOU KNOW THIS
BEAUTIFUL BONANZA
THAT MAKES ME
JUMP FOR JOY IS
THAT I THINK
THAT I'M IN LOVE...
MINSTREL
AT LAST I'M
HOLDING IN MY HANDS A...
PRINCESS
A FEELING WARM
AND JOYOUS,
BOTH
AND I THINK
THAT I'M IN LOVE...
KING
AT LAST WE'RE
DONE; THAT SURE WAS FUN.
WIZARD
AT LAST I CAN
BE LAX AND LAZY.
MS. WIZ
AND NOW I
CRAVE MY VIRILE SLAVE!
LARSEN
YES, I SAID
THAT "I LOVE SIN" BUT THIS IS CRAZY!
ALL
AND THIS ENDS
OUR EXTRAVAGANZA
WE HOPE YOU
DID ENJOY US
NOW HERE'S A
WISHFUL MESSAGE FROM THE KIJE CAST
WE HOPE THAT
YOU FALL IN LOVE AND...
WIZARD
WHEN YOU'RE
FEELING DOWN AND YOU WANT TO BE
BROUGHT UP..
ALL
A LITTLE MAGIC
DOES THE TRICK
YES, IT DOES
JUST A LITTLE
BIT OF MAGIC
A LITTLE BIT
OF MAGIC
A LITTLE BIT
OF MAGIC
A LITTLE BIT
OF MAGIC
A LITTLE BIT
OF MAGIC
DOES THE
TRICK!!!!!
(Blackout.)
(Curtain Call.)
(The End.)